


Did I Even Make a Sound

by DearEvanMurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Depression, Flashbacks, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, Unhappy Ending, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-06 13:35:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11037237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearEvanMurphy/pseuds/DearEvanMurphy
Summary: "But now... There's nowhere else I'd rather be."Evan stared at Connor for a minute, shocked. "Me too."Evan didn't think anyone would be in the park when he "fell". But Connor didn't expect to witness a suicide attempt that day either. Sometimes you've gotta wait for fate to punch you in the face -or fall out of a tree- before you notice it.





	1. End of May or early June

Connor hadn’t really known that anyone else was going to be climbing that day. 

He knew of course, that other people -mostly other families- would be there. But he didn’t know that someone from his school would be there, or working there - and everyone else was so far away. Having run from his family after Larry brought up how “crazy” he was again, well he didn’t expect them to be looking for him anytime soon. 

But this guy- Evan, he vaguely remembered- was climbing. Connor shifted in the tree, praying that he would remain unseen (he didn’t want to scare this sudden “visitor”, even if it would have been hilarious). He secretly hoped his parents- or more his mother- didn’t come looking for him. That would be awful to explain. 

It got even harder to explain when Evan did what Connor never would’ve imagined. He climbed to the highest branch that looked like it would carry his weight, higher and higher. He settled on that top branch panting for just a moment. And then, he looked around, looked down, sighed, 

and he let go. 

Frankly, he was on the ground before a shocked Connor even registered what was happening. 

“Holy shit…” Connor said to himself. Adrenaline had kicked in, stopping a panic attack in its tracks. But that didn’t stop him from freezing, looking down at the boy- Connor wasn’t sure if he could more relate to the boy or think of how dumb of an idea it had been to let go.- Evan was laying on the ground on his back, splayed out all weird. 

_Maybe instead of staring you should help him._ His subconscious told him. _Jesus, Larry was right. Sometimes you are such a useless freak, a crazy asshole._

He shook the thought out of his head, climbing down as fast as he possibly could. He walked over as Evan blinked, dazed. He glanced around as if he wanted someone to find him but was terrified of the consequences. His eyes locked on Connor, but his reaction had the sound of a defeated sigh in place of relief. 

Connor tried to wordlessly help the boy up, but he wasn’t exactly weightless. Inwardly, Connor regretted climbing down but looked down at the injured boy regardless. “Are you going to fucking help me help you, or not?” 

Evan seemed like he was still sort of zoned out from his fall but nonetheless got up (with Connor’s help). Tears running down his face made him look even more terrified to speak than he already was, but curiosity- or fear in itself- pushed him. “D-did you, um, did you see me fall?” He glanced down and back up quickly, seeming to not know what to do expression wise. 

Connor looked him in the eye, trying to judge if it would be wise to tell the boy what he had witnessed. The look on Evan’s face -and the way he couldn’t quite meet his eye fully- told Connor what he had to do.  “No. But you’ve got to have real talent to fall out of a tree.” He lied, trying to chuckle but faltering. 

“Oh.” Evan gave a relieved sigh and a slight chuckle. He stumbled along beside Connor, clutching his arm and sniffling while Connor led him to his car. “W-won’t whoever you here with- won’t they be worried about you or something?” 

Connor snorted. “No. They’re probably praying right now that  _ I _ fell out of a tree and that nobody finds me.” 

Judging by the slight wide-eyed look that Evan gave him, it was probably too soon to joke about that.  _ Nice going, asshole _ . But mentally, he stopped;  _ Why did he even care _ ? He wasn’t friends with Evan. He helped Evan into his car, driving away from the park and towards the hospital, trying to remember the one that was only 30 minutes away. 

 

“So… Um,” Connor didn’t know what to say. If he were honest, he didn’t even know why he was helping Evan. Their only tie was the fact that Jared Kleinman was an asshole to Connor in and out of Evan’s presence. Evan didn’t really talk, just wincing whenever he tried to move his arm. Connor couldn’t tell if the boy was still crying because of his arm or because of the reality of what he had just tried to do.

 

And so that was the ride, Connor trying to think of something to say even if he enjoyed the silence whilst Evan was wishing -not for the first time that day- that he could just disappear. They pulled up to the hospital, Evan getting out and beginning to walk in- Connor noticed he tensed up when he made eye contact with the nurse- and he didn’t really seem to notice Connor was there until he cleared his throat to speak to her. 

 

“My- erm,” What was he supposed to say?  _ We aren’t friends.  _ Connor thought. “ This guy, he broke his arm.” The nurse nodded and handed them papers to fill out, telling them that the doctor would see them soon. 

 

Evan wouldn’t meet anyone, much less Connor’s, eyes. “Thank god my mom is in class today…” He said, more to himself than Connor. 

 

The doctor stepped out, calling Evan’s name and showing them to a small room. He told Evan to follow him, leading him to an x-ray and leaving Connor all alone in the room. 

 

Connor’s phone beeped, showing a message from Cynthia.  And then- before he even knew what he was doing- he left; only leaving a small sticky note with his number. 


	2. I Need a Clue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan turns to his dear family friend for a ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is really dialogue heavy 
> 
> also, take a shot of water every time the words he, she, or a character's name comes up if you want to stay veeeery hydrated bcuz wow 
> 
> I wasn't gonna post this til tomorrow (I mean where I am it is like 12 AM but it's still today to me) but then I saw that I had 20 kudos and 100 hits and while a 1/5 kudos per hit rate isn't like huge it is to me because I didn't think anyone would want to read this mess so thank you, and also thanks to those who have commented!

Evan didn’t know what he had expected. _Connor Murphy_ definitely wasn’t acting like himself when he helped Evan, so it shouldn’t have surprised him to walk into an empty room. When Connor Murphy finally acted like, well, Connor Murphy.

 

Regardless of his surprise, panic was setting in. He was stranded. And, while he knew his mother would totally leave class and rush over, he didn’t want to be bombarded with questions. He didn’t want to have to lie to her yet. So, hesitantly, he called the next best option; Jared.

 

“Hansen?” A slightly drowsy Jared answered. “What does my _family friend,_ ” he stressed the line, pausing as if to check the time. “Need at 12:05 AM?” Evan winced. He hadn’t realised it was that late.

“Jared, I broke my arm and I’m, um, I’m stuck at the hospital…” He blushed. _Never gonna hear the end of this._

“Really, Evan? Are you an acorn? Why can’t you just get whoever took you to take you home?” _See, you bother even your longest friend. He doesn’t even like you, he just uses you for car insurance._ He thought miserably as he tried to think of what to say.

“Um, he kind of… Left me here?”

“Wow.” Jared sighed, drawing out the ‘o’. “So you break your arm falling out of a tree, and then your ride leaves you.” He whistled. “That’s such pathetic luck, Hansen. I’ll be there.”

He tried to mumble out an embarrassed “Thank you”, but was cut off by Jared hanging up.

 

He stood outside in the cool summer air, hoping that Jared wouldn’t make a big deal out of things. _Who are you kidding?_ He asked himself as Jared pulled up, and, -in true Jared form-  honked the horn, despite seeing Evan on the sidewalk.

 

Evan jumped. “J-Jesus!” he blushed, looking around and then focusing angrily on a laughing Jared. “People are trying to sleep!” He sighed, getting in and buckling.

Still laughing, Jared turned to him. “ _Really?_ People are trying to sleep?” He asked, propping his elbow on the horn. The sound echoed through the block. “I would’ve never guessed that people would be trying to sleep,” He yelled over the horn. “Just like I was. Jesus, you’re lucky that summer camp ended last week.” He stopped honking.

“I’m s-sorry. I just fell out of a tree and then Connor - out of all the people, really, I’m surprised he helped me- and then he left while I was being x-rayed, and I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want to call mom and-”

Jared cut off his rambling, something he had to do often. “Wait. Connor? As in, _Connor Murphy?_ How the hell did you survive getting into a car with someone like fucking psychopath Connor Murphy?”

“I- I don’t know.” Evan faltered.

 

Jared shook his head, pulling out of the small lane he had turned into to pick his anxious family friend up. “So, what are you guys? Like are you friends or even,” He grinned, faking shock. “Boyfriends? When is he gonna meet your mom? Wait let me guess, he left because he found out about your love for trees and was jealous-”

“Please don’t!” Evan rushed out, blushing. “It’s not like that.” He fiddled with the ends of his shirt. “I don’t like him and he _definitely_ doesn’t like me so we’re not friends, or more, or whatever and the only thing that’s even slightly close to a friend is you, and you always say that we’re just family friends so- “

Jared pulled up to the Hansen household. “Chill. Pop a Xanax or something, it was just a joke.”

“Right, okay, sorry.” Evan took calming breaths, something that he was never good at until after he really needed them. He got out of the car, unlocking his door and rushing upstairs. He fell onto his bed with a _thud_ and groaned as the slight pain went through his arm.

 

He knew his mom was already asleep, and he dreaded when he would finally have to explain what happened to his arm -he doubted he would for the next day at least, as his mom would have to work- and realised the words “I fell” were going to get even more sickening to say.

 

He changed into his pyjamas (struggling with his arm in such a shape) and watched as a sticky note slowly fell to the ground. It had an unfamiliar number and beside it,

 

-Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments give me life even if you don't like me 
> 
> Also, Kudos are nice (but you don't gotta) 
> 
> #ProtectJared2k17 (I just ranted to my friend about how much I love him I'm not okay [I promise] )


	3. Before I Lead With The Worst Of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all once again for all the Kudos and comments!!! Like woW You're all so nice to me :)
> 
> I would've had this up last night but my wifi cut off for like twenty minutes and by then I was sleepy
> 
> Edit: I forgot to give this chapter a title before it had been up for like an hour OOPS

They were fighting again. 

 

That was the first thing Connor heard when he woke up, the screaming of his mother against his father fighting about something that was pointless as long as they got to take jabs at each other. It wasn’t so pleasant, but by then he was used to it. 

 

Since it was summer break, he realised with a groan that he had nowhere to go.  _ At least shower before Larry decides to turn the water off again _ , he thought, getting up. He checked his phone for the time, but it was blocked by the first notification he had gotten in a while. 

 

**Unknown Number- 2 new messages.**

 

He glanced at his phone in confusion, finally sighing and entering his unlock code. 

 

**Unknown- Hey I just wanted to thank you for driving me even if you left and that probably sounds rlly passive aggressive but it's not i just wanted to tahnk you and you left your number**

**Unknown- This is EVan, by the way, I’m sorry if I bothered you I don’t know if you left this number for some other reason or what sorry **

 

_ Oh yeah,  _ he thought. He had forgotten about leaving his number due to the sheer shock of what he had done, and also due to the fact that Larry had gotten his mom to order him home right then. Any other time he would’ve blown them off- he  _ did _ end up in his room anyway- But something about being in an unfamiliar place made him want to listen to his parents  _ for once _ . 

 

He looked back down at the texts.  _ Jesus,  _ how did this guy manage to ramble even in a text? He clicked reply, not knowing how to begin.  _ He probably just sent that to be nice anyway. It’s obvious he’s scared of you because you’re a total freak.  _

 

  **C.** **Murphy- It’s fine. Left because I figured you had everything under control.**

 

_ That’s a total lie. When does Evan Hansen have anything under control? He’s had panic attacks in class since like, second grade. _ He snorted. 

 

He didn’t receive a reply, which was fine as far as he was concerned. He still didn’t know why he had even helped the Tree Boy. 

 

_ Wow, _ that was an insensitive nickname. 

 

Breaking through his slightly intrusive thoughts - and causing him to drop the joint he had  _ literally just lit _ on his hoodie- was the sound of his father's’ yelling. 

 

“Connor!” 

“Shit.” He quickly put out both the joint and the - now burned- spot on his hoodie, hiding the former in the small box he kept under his dresser. Huffing, he stomped downstairs. “You called?” He turned, facing Larry.

“Have you been smoking in the house again?” 

Zoe seemed to appear by their father’s side out of nowhere. “I don’t know,” she feigned doubt. “Maybe not. The huge clouds of smoke could just be him letting out all his hot air.” She sauntered over to the table while Larry crossed his arms, angrily facing Connor again. 

“How many times have I-”

“Yes Larry, we get it.” Connor sighed. “I’m the huge family disappointment and you wish I had been aborted.” His mother gasped from the dining room, and he mentally cringed.  _ Moms’ the only one who can stand you, and you’re being a dick.  _ “I’m going out.” 

“Connor please-” His mother began, silenced by the slam of the door. 

 

* * *

 

His steps on the sidewalk echoed in the morning air, only interrupted by the chirps of birds or traffic sounds in the distance. He barely knew where he was going as he got in his car, or why. But what he did know was that he felt the need to scream or hurt something, and he hated that feeling more than anything else. He cranked the car, wishing he still had the meds that Larry had stopped paying for in fear that they weren’t working or that it was just another excuse for Connor to get high. 

 

He couldn’t think, it was all he could do to focus on the road as he sped -almost 30 miles over- towards the only place that had sort of relaxed him since the orchard was closed. Sure, the state park was a good 50 minutes away - and as per yesterday’s events, it already had bad memories attached to it- But it wasn’t  _ Connor’s _ gas money he was wasting. 

 

He practically jumped out of the car when he pulled into the sunny parking lot, barely taking the time to put the car into park and grab the few things he’d remembered before rushing off into the secluded forest. The birds were louder here, and it was almost serene as he picked a tree to sit under. He pulled the Ziploc bag with his spare joint that he kept in the glovebox out, and lit up. Sighing deeply, he sat back against the tree. 

 

He heard nervous footsteps approach him.“You- you know there's a rule against smoking at this park, right?’ A hesitant but familiar voice asked.  “Especially,” Connor was reminded of a child by the way Evan lowered his voice.   ”illegal substances?” 

“I won’t tell if you don’t.” Connor took another puff, not even bothering to look at Evan. 

“I could- um- I could lose my job? And while the smoke probably, um, helps the amount of carbon dioxide and everything it probably also damages the tree’s-” 

“Calm down,  _ tree boy. _ I’ll put it out.” He sighed, trying to stop himself from snapping and yelling at Evan.  _ He already knows you’re crazy, no use in scaring him.  _ He made sure the joint was out and stuffed it into the Ziploc bag again. 

 

Evan sighed in relief. Wordlessly, Connor got up and walked to his car, getting in despite the mumbled “Where are you going?” from behind. 

 

He cranked the car, reversing and pulling out as fast as he possibly could. He was driving with no regard to anything but the feeling of the wind in his hair and the sound of his blaring music, wondering if anyone would actually notice if he just swerved off the road and wrapped around a tree. 

 

“Woah, w-where are your seatbelts?” A voice asked beside him, breathing heavily in between the words.

Connor jumped, having to swerve to get back on the road afterwards. “What the FUCK are you doing in my car?” 

N-not really sure, I, um, well I just jumped on impulse and well it was probably already a really bad idea -I have a lot of those honestly- b-but now -now, you’re going at 20 miles over and I kinda, um, don’t wanna have road rash on the side of my face and I’m rambling, I do that a lot when I’m nervous, I’ll get out if you want this was really dumb and I’m so sorry, I’m an idiot and-” At this point, Evan looked like a tomato, breathing erratically as he clutched his chest.

Connor pulled over just as fast as he had pulled out. “Breathe.”  _ Shit,  _ he could barely deal with his own panic attacks and now this anxious mess of a stranger was-  _ holy shit, is he crying?-  _ in Connor’s car. But now, Evan didn’t see like he was or even could listen. “Shit. Evan, do you take meds for this?”  _ Please say yes. _ Evan nodded. “Where are they?” Evan fumbled around his pocket and finally pulled them out, trying to open them. Connor took the bottle, sighing. 

 

In his haste, Connor opened the bottle a little too vigorously and sent pills flying everywhere.  _ Shit.  _  He handed one to Evan. “Take this and try to take deep breaths.” Connor said in a slightly softer tone, rushing around to help pick the pills up and putting them one by one in the bottle (making sure they didn't have any dust on them). He hoped that Evan was okay with calming himself down, considering he barely knew anything about the boy and how to. 

 

Evan seemed to be taking more steady breaths, Connor sitting on the ground beside the open passenger seat door. 

 

“I- uh- um- I’m-” He began as soon as he could speak. 

“If the next words out of your mouth are sorry, Evan, I will  _ push _ you out of a tree. “ 

 

Evan went quiet, Connor instantly filled with slight regret.  _ That was a dick thing to do. _ He thought.  _ So is getting into a fucking strangers car, though.  _

 

He got up and started to drive, luckily getting to his neighbour's house soon. He pulled in, looking over to Evan. 

 

“Um, don’t get into any more freaks cars, okay?” He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. 

Evan nodded, looking at him as if he had grown another head and getting out. 

 

Connor drove away without looking back, much like he had done when he drove Evan to the hospital. But one thing he had noticed that he wasn’t sure he liked, he didn’t hate Evan as much as he wanted to. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I accidentally made Larry slightly verbally abusive (not just in this chapter but also in chapters to come) and I'm sorry for that if any of you are Larry fans 
> 
> I made Connor not so good with panic attacks despite other fics making him really good at it because let's face it, he wouldn't be an expert at helping someone calm down if he himself isn't very good at it. 
> 
> I'll put up another chapter soon (tonight if I can), and please leave a comment with anything, tips, suggestions, or even your favourite colour in great detail! I read and try to reply to all of them!


	4. Give Them No Reason to Stare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan: What do I say? I can’t ignore him  
> Jared: y not?  
> Evan: Because that’s rude, Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh! Every time I get on here I get so much happier with all of your nice comments! You're all such sweeties! 
> 
> S/O to (my wifey) failedfalencho and TheOtherBookwormFanperson for their sweet comments, go check out their works if you will <333

Evan didn’t know what the _fuck_ had just happened, but he thought about it as he laid in bed.

 

He had just jumped into what was basically a stranger’s car - a scary, possibly (according to Jared) psychopathic stranger’s car at that- and then proceeded to have a panic attack.

 

_Can’t forget, you cried like a bitch._

 

Well, he did know what had happened. But what he didn’t know -what vexed him to no end -was what caused his sudden courage and what he even thought Connor was to him.

 

 _Well -especially after you jumped into his car- he definitely doesn’t see you as a friend. God, he probably thinks you’re some kind of freak. -Shit, what if he tells people how weird you are?- What if he tells_ Zoe _how weird you are? You’re doomed. More doomed than before. You should have jumped headfirst and just snapped your neck, but then you would be paralysed or even-_

 

His mom stepped into his room, interrupting his jumbled thoughts. “So I see you didn’t get any dinner, honey, that’s not g- _What happened to your arm?!”_

 

 _Shit,_ he thought. He hadn’t seen Heidi in two days -mainly due to her schedule and his job as an apprentice park ranger- and he had forgotten about his arm, as the dull throbbing had become normal to him as long as he took pain medication for it.

 

“Oh, hey…” He winced at the slight panic in his voice. “Um, no need to worry about my arm you see, I just, well I fell and I broke it.” He broke a sweat, hoping that his mother didn’t get upset with him for not calling, and preparing for the interrogation.

“ _Evan,_ ” he couldn’t tell if his mom were more upset or concerned. “Why didn’t you call me? When did this happen? Who even took you to the hospital?”

“Um, you were at work, and I didn’t want to bother you, so, well…” He looked down, pulling at the end of his shirt nervously. “It kinda happened two days ago, I haven’t seen you because you’ve been busy. My f- This guy who goes to my school-” He decided not to tell his mom who had actually taken him last minute. “Jared, he found me and took me to the hospital and then home.”

His mom hesitated, then smiled widely. “See, Jared _is_ your friend! You could count on him to help you! That’s great, Evan!” She left his room quickly on the note that she wanted to call Jared’s parents.

 

**Evan: So um I kinda told my mom you were the one who found me and took me to the hospital good luck **

 

_Well if the only thing you had even close to a friend didn’t hate you before, he sure does now. Great. Now dinners are going to be awkward -more than before- and you’ll have no one to talk to, so you’ll try to help and set something on fire because you’re just that bad at everything and then your mom will be mad and she’ll lose her friends and you’re such an idiot because who jumps into a stranger’s car twice and then lies to their mom about it?_

 

His phone beeped.

 

**Jared: U just gt my cr insrnc pd for the nxt 2 mnths, wrth it**

 

After decoding Jared’s text -he always used weird shortened versions of the words to be cool, but it just ended up looking like a rejected Fall Out Boy song title- He shrugged, laying back down. At least Jared didn’t hate him. He began to doze, thinking about stranger’s cars -and how sometimes they smelled really nice, even if it was slightly mixed with a hint of pot- and how he could’ve died but just ended up home.

 

He was asleep by the next time his phone went off.

 

* * *

 

 

He woke up that morning to his mom’s voice, which was odd as she usually left for work before he was awake during the summer.

 

“Evan honey, I’m leaving money for school shopping like we planned, okay?”

He groaned into his pillow.

“Are you sure you’re okay going alone? I would help but we only have a week or so and I already have to take you to therapy in a couple of days.”

“I’ll be fine…” He assured her, not really believing himself while his mind went into overdrive. He just knew he would see someone from school, and was dreading it.

 

He showered and quickly got ready, picking up his phone.

 

**4 new messages from C. Murphy**

**C.** **Murphy: Hey I wanted to say sorry**

 ** C. Murphy: ** **For scaring you the other day I mean**

**C. Murphy: Like it was still kinda fcrazy to jump in my car but**

**C. Murphy: yeah**

Evan was pretty sure he stared at his phone for a good five minutes. _What the hell does this mean?_ He shot a text to Jared with screenshots.

 

**Evan: Jared help**

**Jared: O my gd**

**Jared: Obvs hs tryng 2 gt u comfy w hm so he cn kill u**

**Evan: NOt funny Jared**

**Evan: What do I say? I can’t ignore him**

**Jared: y not?**

**Evan: Because that’s ** **_rude_ ** **, Jared. Plus then he’ll think I’m an asshole and could tell someone or Zoe and I’m not an asshole**

 

It took Jared a little longer to reply. _He’s probably laughing at how stupid you are._ He finally did as Evan closed the door and left his house.

 

**Jared: Jeez Hnsn, jst sy it’s OK + try nt 2 ramble.**

 

_Easier said than done._

 

**To: C. Murphy**

**Evan: Oh, yeah, no, it’s totally my fault**

 

He sighed, hitting send before he could change his mind and overthink another reply.  He walked into Target, grabbing a basket and avoiding the greeter.

 

List in hand, he was surprised at how easy it was to avoid everyone as long as he acted busy. He checked the third from last thing- 5 notebooks- off his list and backed up, losing his footing as a cart bumped hard into his side.

 

He landed on his back, supplies embarrassingly going everywhere.

 

“Shit! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.” The girl reached to help him up, an apologetic look on her face. “I’m Zoe.”

He started breathing heavily, already winded from his sudden fall. “Oh, I, um, I know, I-” He took her hand nervously. _God, your hand is probably drenched in sweat. Now you’re gonna freak her out._

“You know?” _Shit._

“Yeah, um, well it’s just I’ve seen you at school and…” He steeled himself, trying not to ramble. “I’m Evan.”

She smiled at him, looking to Evan as if she would rather be anywhere else.

 

 _She probably would, it would’ve done her better to just hit and run._ He thought, keeping eye contact. _You’re staring at her, say something, anything, she totally thinks you’re a freak by now so it’s not like you have anything to lose, Connor probably told her everything anyway._

 

And  -as if the universe heard his thoughts about Connor and decided to fuck with him- he came around the corner. Arms crossed, he was staring at the ground. “Mom said to come and get you, something about a sale on pens.” He said flatly, rolling his eyes and finally looking up. He confusedly looked between Evan and Zoe, and then settled on their hands that were still in a handshake.

 

Zoe pulled her hand away- trying to hide as she wiped it on her jeans- and stalked off. Connor and Evan lingered, eyes locked.

 

“I, um. I guess- I guess I’ll see you at school?” Evan asked, faltering near the end of his sentence. _You’re probably red enough to become the new Target logo by now._

Connor nodded, “Maybe.” and kicked one of Evan’s notebooks to him, stalking off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda have the hc that Jared would be one of THOSE people during texting tbh. And some people think that Connor would be unafraid to make typos, but (while I can see that too) everyone also thinks he reads a lot so I think he would be less likely to 
> 
> Please comment on what you like/dislike/your favourite place in the world, I'll try to respond to them all!!! <3


	5. A Million Worlds Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a meeting at Target, Connor sneaks out and sees someone for the second time in one day and leading to an awkward conversation - and a revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not totally satisfied with how the chapter played out. It's sort of filler tbh (although it does have some MAJOR plot hints if you catch on). BUT I will be at my father's house this weekend which means I'll be writing more than updating. 
> 
> Also yes I did the "Sneaking out and bumping into (not yet) crush" cliche
> 
> Warning (idk if this needs one but still), Connor has a LOT of self-hating thoughts in this chapter

Connor walked, hands in pockets, behind his parents and his sister. Cynthia was jabbering on about one of the new fads she was into, and he doubted they even knew he was there.  _As usual._ He would've been fine with that if it weren't for the fact that  _they_ had been the ones who had dragged  _him_ along for school shopping. Because really, who even needed supplies if they were going to be skipping half the time?

 

"And so yoga would've been great if it weren't for Shelly." Cynthia finished. "Oh Connor, you're back! Zoe told us you stayed behind talking to a friend? You have a friend, honey?" She asked hopefully. 

All three members of his family turned to him, eyes expectant. "Not really," He muttered, glaring at Zoe and trying to ignore the way his mother's shoulders slumped. "He's just this guy in my grade."  _That I unnecessarily helped after he tried to kill himself via jumping out of a fucking tree,_ he didn't say. 

Cynthia replaced her hopeful smile, loading their items onto the checkout. "Maybe you can be! You could invite him over for dinner one night?" 

_"_ Because last time I had a friend over for dinner it went so well, didn't it?" He glared at Larry pointedly and then rolled his eyes, focusing back on his mother. "Besides,  _I_ don't even want to go to our dinners. I'm not asking someone else to. Just let it go." 

His mother frowned, loading their supplies back into the cart and heading towards the door. 

 

He got to the car first, not bothering to help and instead sulking in the backseat. The car ride was uneventful, Cynthia trying fruitlessly to get her kids involved in a conversation about colleges and the future. Connor sighed. He had told his parents what he  _wanted_ to do- something in the English field, maybe even teaching- before they had started fighting when he was in ninth grade. That talk had been the second ever of many future times in which Larry had instantly shot him down with a look of disgust.  _One of the many days he made it obvious that he doesn't want you._ His mind almost screamed back. 

 

Head full of thoughts that were so unhealthy Connor wondered why he wasn't allowed to go to therapy anymore ( _another_ one of Larry's decisions), Connor rushed upstairs as soon as they got home. If he still had a door, he would've slammed it. 

 

He realized that his thoughts were still clouded with self-hate with no chance of slowing down, and considered his options. For once, he didn't want the confrontation that came with being high. If he went downstairs, he would have to face Larry's comments about his hair or Zoe's comments about how friendless he was.  So, he was trapped. 

Or was he? 

 

He decided to do what any teenager in a 2000's sitcom would do: 

He climbed out the window. 

 

It was harder than they made it look, but he was used to it. He had snuck out a lot since he started high school to get pot or even just to calm down after a fight with Zoe or Larry.  He had done it so many times that he was almost surprised he never got caught, but then again it seemed he was invisible unless someone wanted to yell at him.

 

After sliding out the window he sat on the roof for a moment, looking around the neighborhood. A few houses over -just over the trees- he could see the Hansen's place. He thought back to all the weird encounters, staring off into space. It seemed they had not said one word to each other where they weren't in some kind of fucked up situation. 

Speaking of fucked up situations, why the fuck was  _Evan Hansen_ suicidal?  _Kids like him are supposed to be happy, to go to college._ He thought, unable to tell if he was angry that someone  _like_  Evan Hansen wanted to die -or worse- That  _Evan Hansen_ wanted to die. 

 

And almost as if he made him appear purely by thinking of him, Evan rounded the sidewalk with arms full of bags from his earlier Target expedition. He was looking around, as if nervous that someone was watching.  _He can probably sense you staring like a god damn idiot. You really are a freak._  And then, Evan's eyes focused on a (still staring) Connor. 

 

Startled, he dropped his stuff for what Connor thought must've been the third time that day.  

 

"S-shit." Evan turned away, probably meaning to curse silently and wincing as it echoed throughout the block. Connor silently chuckled. 

 

Evan tried to pick up the bags with a blush but only dropped more. Even from a distance, Connor thought he could see Evan breaking out into a sweat. 

 

Rolling his eyes, Connor began to climb down the side of the house and making sure to avoid the kitchen window, where his mother was. He rushed over, helping him with the remaining two bags.  _Finally being nice and useful for once in your life._

 

"Um, t-thank you?" Evan said hesitantly. 

 

_Even he doesn't think you're nice enough to be helping him._ That thought was instantly followed by a chorus of  _'because you're not!'_ s and a few of the many insults Larry had hurled at him throughout his life. He realized he hadn't said anything when Evan coughed nervously. 

 

"Oh. No problem." He tried to smile, walking alongside the brunet, who was doing his best to look everywhere but Connor. 

 

They walked up to his door, and Evan stopped nervously. "Um, you c-can leave the bags there if you want..."

Connor nodded. "If you say so. I can still carry them in if you, erm, want help still." 

 

_Well, if this isn't the most fucking awkward conversation you've ever had. It wasn't even this awkward when he tried to kill himself by jumping out of a tree. But then again, you couldn't really fuck things up then. He probably doesn't want you to come in because you're a scary freak._

 

"Y-you can, it's just..." Evan unlocked his door with his unbroken hand. "I haven't really, um, cleaned off my counters, and we've gotten food delivered a lot so it's kind of a mess and I don't want you to think we're slobs because my mom really doesn't like it when people come in and think we're messy..." He trailed off, mumbling. 

"It's fine." Connor chuckled slightly. "The only reason my house is clean is that mom doesn't need a job so she just kinda... Stays and cleans."  _Now he thinks you're a freak AND you're spoiled. But why do you care what he thinks? It's not like he'd ever want to be your friend anyway._

 

Unknowing of Connor's thoughts, Evan nodded and opened the door. 

 

Connor stepped in, expecting the huge mess that Evan had made out. Instead, he was met with a small amount of clutter that could be cleaned in five minutes. He followed Evan upstairs, setting the supplies down and standing there awkwardly.  _What are you still doing here?_ Everything in his head screamed at him as he looked around, from pictures of trees on the wall to pajama pants that had superheroes on them.

 

Evan cleared his throat hesitantly. "Um... Thank you for helping, and the other day event though I already thanked you, and-"

"It's no problem." It was quiet. "No-um-no one's signed your cast?" 

Evan blushed. "Oh, um, well my mom says I should ask around on Monday, but..." He looked down, and Connor thought he could hear Evan say something along the lines of "pathetic".

"Well... I can." He offered  _Too eager. Now he sees you as the psychopathic nutcase who needs friends._

 

 

Evan seemed shocked, but grabbed a Sharpie from the cup on his dresser nonetheless and handed it to him. 

 

Connor grabbed his arm- feeling bad when Evan winced- and signed it in huge, messy scrawl. "There," he handed the Sharpie back to Evan. "Now we can both pretend we have friends."

 

And, Connor realized with a slight sadness as Evan gave a shy smile back, maybe Connor actually  _did_ want to be friends. 

 

_But that can't happen, can it?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter and sorry for the delay (bad mental health days, gotta love em)!
> 
> Please leave a comment about what you liked, didn't, or your favorite DEH song!!!
> 
> (Hopefully) updating Monday!


	6. Slipping Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're serious?" he asked. "I mean, about wanting to be my friend?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I'm so sorry this is late
> 
> Me: "Yeah I'll probably update Monday, I'll tell my readers that"  
> Life: "Lol, you're hilarious."
> 
> Anyway, super long chapter as an "I'm sorry.", Alana, Jared, Zoe, etc, the gangs all here!! (Sorry if you don't like fics who follow the script closely, this is the only chapter that should do that.) 
> 
> I just want y'all to know that this was thirteen pages of notebook paper and my hand hates me. (To put that in a comparison, The thirteenth page of this notebook is at the beginning of chapter 4.)

Evan woke up on his first day of senior year with a feeling of dread. This happened to him often, but the dread manifesting itself in his stomach felt different, nausea with a hint of something almost akin to excitement.

 

Nevertheless, he was still sick to his stomach at the mere thought of facing the day ahead. Which explained why he didn’t get out of bed until his mother knocked on his door.

 

“Evan, are you up, honey?” She said through the door.

He jumped up, grabbing the shirt that he had debated on wearing for twenty minutes the night before. “Y-yeah, just changing!” He called, hoping that she didn’t notice that he had just gotten out of bed.

“You’ve got… thirty minutes. Are you sure you’re okay with walking? I can always call and say that I got caught in traffic or something-”

“Mom, I’m fine.”

“Remember to write one of those letters to yourself like Dr. Sherman said,‘Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a great day and here’s why!’ those letters are important, honey!”

He paused. He had totally forgotten about those letters, something his therapist had recommended after he went for an appointment the Friday before. He remembered the appointment, talking to Dr.Sherman about his concerns and goals for the upcoming year. He remembered leaving with more anxious thoughts than he had come with.

 

“Yeah…” He finished changing, opening the door. “Love you.” He said, seeing that his mother was getting ready to leave.

“Love you too.” She kissed her son’s forehead, walking towards the door. “Also, your shirt is on backward.” She walked out the front door, closing it with a _thud_.

 

Embarrassed, he flipped his shirt around. Nervously he thought about the day ahead as he took his medication.

 

_You’re gonna say something, or screw up somehow. That’s kinda your thing._

 

_Other than trees._

 

The other side of him was hopeful. _Maybe you’ll actually make some friends. Maybe you’ll be something this year._ Those thoughts, although blissful, were quickly put out by the memory of the time he’d tried to talk to Zoe Murphy after a jazz band concert but chickened out because he thought his hands were sweaty, and then the mental image of her wiping her hands on her jeans after then encountered each other at  Target.

 

_Yep, totally going to mess up this year too._

 

On that note, he grabbed his bookbag and a breakfast bar that he doubted he would eat and headed out the door.

 

The walk to school was quiet. The birds sang as if taunting him for being so worried about the day, and he felt as if every passing car held Connor or Zoe laughing at him.

 

He had been tempted to ask Jared to drive him to school, but when he had weighed Jared commenting about everything and verbally ripping him apart to a walk to school where he ripped himself apart, the decision was clear. Besides, Jared would make fun of him when he got to school anyway.

 

He got to school 15 minutes early, which would’ve worried him if it weren’t for the students already littering the halls talking and laughing loudly about summer vacation. Without anyone to talk to, he mentally went through his schedule once again, taking the time to write it on the blue notebook he had picked for English. Lost in his own world, he almost bumped into Alana for not noticing her.

 

“Hey! How was your summer?”

 

Evan looked behind him, confused. He and Alana had barely said anything to each other, and when they had it was usually something about one of her numerous clubs.  “Oh, I-it was-”

She cut him off with a proud smile. “Mine was productive. I did three internships and 90 hours of community service.” She paused as if to let Evan react. “I know, wow.”

“That’s- that’s really-”

“Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or well, acquaintances more like.” She shrugged her shoulders, looking at the ground with the same smile still plastered on her face.

 

Evan took her pause as an opportunity to ask her to sign his cast, digging through his pocket for the Sharpie he had placed there the night before. But, looking down at Connor’s name, the words faltered as soon as he began.

 

“Do you -maybe-um, I don’t- nevermind.” He sighed, looking down and picking at the cast.

“Oh my god, what happened to your arm?” Alana asked, a compassionate look on her face.

“Oh, I-I broke it. I was climbing up a tree, and-”

“Is that Connor as in, Connor Murphy?”

“Oh, yeah, he uh, he signed it the other day-”

“You and Connor are friends?” I’ve always considered him one of my closest acquaintances.” The bell rang, signaling the ten minutes they had before homeroom. “Happy first day!” Alana called, walking off with a wave that Evan tried awkwardly to reciprocate.

 

Evan began the walk to his homeroom soon joined by Jared, whom -Evan couldn’t decide if it were luckily or unluckily- shared the same teacher.

 

“So,” Jared said loudly, Evan cringing as some of the other students glared their way. “Is it weird to be the first person to break their arm jerking off, or do you consider it an honor?” He laughed at the flush Evan instantly gained.

“J-Jared you know that’s not what happened.” Evan hissed, fidgeting with the straps of his book bag.

“No, no, paint me the picture. You have Zoe Murphy’s Instagram pulled up-”

“Jaredshutupthat’snothowithappened.” He said a bit louder, sure he looked like a tomato by then.

“No need to be ashamed, really. Hell, it’s better than the story you gave me when I picked you up. Who falls out of a tree? An acorn?”

“Well that’s- that’s what happened.” He looked down with a blush at what he hoped was a believable lie. “How- Did you have a good summer?”

“Well,” Jared began. “My bunk totally dominated in capture the flag, and I got to second base below the bra with this girl from Israel who was going to be in the army, so…” Jared brushed off his question with a confidence that Evan could only tell was faked from years of friendship. He began walking towards the door of their homeroom, but Evan stopped him.

 

“Hey, do you- do you want to sign my cast?” Evan held the Sharpie out, hoping it wasn’t obvious how sweaty his hands were.

“Why are you asking _me_ ?” Jared stepped forward, eyes narrowing when they focused on his cast. He laughed loudly. “Besides, it seems like your _boyfriend_ and you got back together long enough for him to take up all the space. As if I would want to anyways.” He snicked, eyes focusing on something behind Evan. “Speaking of your boyfriend. Hey, Connor! Love the new hair length, very school shooter chic.”

 

There was a pause, and Evan didn’t know if he were happier or upset at the fact that none of the teachers were nearby. All he knew was that people were rapidly beginning to stare at the trio.

 

“I was just, kidding…” Jared said, looking at Connor as if he were stupid. Evan saw through it, knowing that it was a sign of Jared’s slight fear. He backed away a bit, trying to distance himself from the inevitable. “It was a joke?” _Jared, please shut up._ Evan internally prayed.

“Yeah I know it was funny I’m laughing can’t you tell?” Connor said, monotonous. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” He raised his voice, stepping closer to Jared.

Jared looked him up and down, seeming to realize that he was in over his head. “You’re such a freak…” He said, walking into class and sitting down.

 

Still at the lockers nearby the door, Evan gave a nervous chuckle. It was a habit he had always disliked. But this time, it drew Connor’s hot-tempered attention to him. Evan could’ve sworn he saw a flash of pain in Connor’s eyes before they narrowed.

 

“What the fuck are _you_ laughing at?” He demanded, stepping forward just as Evan moved towards the door.

“What?” Evan asked, confused at the angry tone coming from his neighbor. Up until then, Connor had been civil. How did Evan make it a mess so quick?

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“No, I’m not-”

“You think I’m a freak?” Connor asked, approaching Evan quickly.

“N-no I don-”

“I’m not the freak,” He was getting closer.

“But I wasn’t-”

“ _You’re the fucking freak!”_ Connor pushed him over, walking out of the hallway fast.”

 

Just as Evan was trying to get up, the teacher walked into his homeroom with a small glance at him on the floor. He cleared his throat “Can everyone please be seated _at a desk_ while I take roll.” _Great._

 

* * *

 

After class, Evan was approached by none other than Zoe Murphy.

 

“I’m so sorry about my brother, I heard he pushed you he’s such a psychopath. Evan, right?”

Evan nodded, slightly surprised -and pleased- that she had remembered. “Evan.”

“That’s your name.”

“Yesitisits Evan, sorry.” _Jeez._ How many times in one day could he fuck up?

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you said Evan and I said it and I repeated it which is- that is s-so annoying when people do that so.” He wished he could sink into the floor.

“I’m Zoe. “ She held out her hand.

 

_Oh._

 

“Yes, no, I know…” He said nervously.

“You know?”

“No, well, um, you introduced yourself to me the other day at Target and I already knew your name because I’ve- I’ve seen you play guitar in jazz band, I love jazz band. Well, not _all_ jazz but definitely like jazz band jazz, that’s so weird I’m sorry.” _How to scare off the girl you like 101, a class taught by Evan Hansen._

“You apologize a lot.” She pointed out with a nervous laugh.

“Sorry-I mean- I-” He picked at his cast, debating on asking her to sign it.

“Well… I should get going.” She turned. In all fairness, he had three minutes before his next class and probably should’ve left too, as it was on the other side of the building.

 

And, against anything he wanted to say _- _that you would totally screw up,__ he noted _-_ he let her go, rushing off to his class.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

It was lunch, possibly one of the only times when Evan _should’ve_ been able to relax. But instead, he was worried; about Zoe thinking he was weird, about Jared spreading rumors about his arm, about the possible friendship he _could’ve_ had with Connor that was killed before it started.

 

His phone beeped as he put his stuff in his locker, phone illuminated by a notification from his mother.

 

**Mom:** **Hey honey, I can’t pick you up today, I’d promised I’d take over for Erica. So sorry, love you! Remember to write a letter! Xoxo**

**Evan:** **It’s okay. LOve you too.**

 

He sighed, realizing that he hadn’t written a letter for his appointment. He decided to rush through lunch and write one in the lab before his science class.

 

Eating with Jared wasn’t so bad, albeit it _was_ his only option at the moment - _or ever,_ he admitted to himself with a sigh.

 

“What did you bring?” Jared asked eagerly. He had stopped bringing lunch after Lunchables stopped being cool, and usually just ate what Evan didn’t, which was basically his entire lunch.

 

“Mom ordered pizza last night before she left for work yesterday.” He sighed, sliding it over to Jared and taking a bite of the apple he had brought.

 

Jared ate greedily -almost an entire pizza worth of food- and talked through a full mouth. “So what happened with your boyfriend earlier? I thought you two were friends?”

Evan internally groaned. “N-not friends… He doesn’t like me.”

“He sure seemed like he did before,” Jared said, flicking Evan’s cast for effect.

“I’ve- I’ve gotta go print something,” Evan said, annoyed, as he rushed off with his lunch.

 

The lab was fairly close to the lunchroom, so he got there fairly quickly. He was happy to see that there was only one person in the lab, and sat down, beginning a letter.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week, or an amazing year. Because why would it be? Oh, I know, because there’s Zoe… And there’s Connor, and all my hope is pinned on them, who I don’t even know and who don’t know me… Maybe if I could just talk to them… Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

 

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend_

_Me._

 

He sighed, clicking **print**.

 

“So…” A familiar but nervous voice said from behind him. He looked up, meeting Connor’s dark blue eyes.  “Um, no one else has signed your cast?”

“Oh, I um… I asked but well, um… No one else wanted to.” _Pathetic._

“Well...  That’s just one of the saddest fucking things I’ve ever heard, besides falling out of a tree.” He gave a shaky, faltering laugh.

“Oh… I know.” Evan looked down, fiddling with his cast.

“Is this yours?” Connor asked, holding out Evan’s letter. “I, um, found it on the printer. It’s- It’s dear Evan Hansen, that’s your name.” _Oh no._

“Oh yeah, nonono that’s stupid it’s just this-” _Too late,_ Connor was already reading the letter.

“Because there’s Zoe… And Connor. Um… Is this about me and my sister?”

“Oh nonono-”

“You wrote this… Because you knew I would find it. Connor was blushing, a glint in his eyes that Evan did not want to know the meaning to.

“W-what?”

“Yeah… You, uh, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab and you wrote this and you… Printed this out so I could find it.” Evan almost saw the betrayal forming in Connor’s mind. _How was everything going so wrong?_

“Why- why would I do that?”

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and I and freak out, right? And then _you_ could tell _everyone_ that I’m crazy. Right?!”

“N-no! I didn’t!”

_“Fuck you!”_

“Nonono I really - I need that back so please can you just- please give it back?” He followed Connor, all eyes following them as Connor stomped straight out the doors.

 

He was He was breathing heavily, lagging behind but nonetheless managed to follow Connor through the parking lot. But instead of getting into a car, Connor just continued down the sidewalk.

 

He stopped after he got a small ways away from the school, sitting on the curb. Evan took this opportunity to slowly catch up but stopped when he saw Connor’s appearance.

 

He was _crying._

 

Connor was slouched over, tears dripping off of his chin and down onto the pavement. He had his arm wrapped around his long legs as if trying to fold into himself or disappear. Evan wasn’t even sure if he had been noticed, but then Connor’s head snapped up.

 

“Stop following me.” Evan wondered how his voice still held strength and anger even through tears.

“I-um-I- can’t follow you if you’re sitting down…” He muttered, almost instantly realizing how rude that may have sounded. “Oh, I just mean- I uh- sorry.”

Connor laughed, wiping away his tears as he looked at Evan. “That’s the first time I’ve _ever_ heard you say something that could even slightly be rude, and I’ve been in the same schools as you since kindergarten. Don’t ruin it with a sorry.”

“Oh, I-um, sorry.” Evan blushed, mentally cursing at himself.

Connor sighed, checking his watch. “Why are you even out here? We- _You’re_ \- missing third period.”

“Well, um, I wanted to explain, and you, um, took my letter…”

Connor pulled the -now crumpled- letter out of his pocket, the question he didn’t -but probably wanted to- ask stuck in the air.

 

“It’s um… It’s for th-therapy?” _Great. Now he’s gonna know how broken you are. Just another reason to call you a freak._

“Therapy…” Connor repeated, reading it over again. He seemed to accept the explanation, holding the letter out for Evan to take back.

“Th-thanks…” Evan reached out, palms sweaty. He almost had it in his grasp, and-

“Wait.” Connor dropped the hand. “What, um, what did you mean by that bit… About me and Zoe? “

Evan blushed a deep crimson. “I-uh- I just… I- you two were the one ones who were kinda nice, like friendly nice, and Jared is my only f-family friend so I was, um, I was hoping that I could … be friends. But I totally screwed that up because you think I’m a freak who jumps into stranger’s cars and Zoe, well Zoe forgot she even introduced herself to me before and I- that’s so weird I shouldn’t have written that and-”

“You want to be friends. With me.” Connor asked, a tone in his voice that Evan couldn’t quite place.

“Um… Yeah? I’m sorry I’m so weird I probably freaked you out and-”

Connor sighed, finally giving the letter back. “I-um- I want to be friends with you too…” He blushed, looking down. “But I’m not sure _why_ you want to be friends with me. I’m the school psycho, haven’t you heard?”

 _Every day, from Jared._ “Well um, yeah. No- agh.” He sighed, frustrated. _You’re fucking it up again, he’s gonna change his mind._ “I just- I don’t think you’re a psycho?” He said, hoping the words sounded sincere.

 

Connor looked up, an almost hopeful glint in his eyes but his face remaining emotionless. “You’re-um- you’re serious? I mean, about wanting to be, um, friends?”

 

Evan hesitated, and then- nodded.

 

Connor gave a timid smile. “I guess that’s it then.”

 

Just then, Conor’s phone went off. “Shit.”

Evan looked at him, confused as he angrily typed away on his phone. All his earlier calmness or happiness was gone as if someone had built a wall around him. “What’s wrong?”

“Zoe.” Connor sighed. “Apparently, word got around to her that you followed me out here. She thinks I murdered you in a blind rage or something.” He muttered to himself as he hit ‘send’.

“Why- why would she think that?”

Connor met his eye, blushing. “Long story.” He shot down. “Listen. We should get you to class before Zoe tells my mom I didn’t skip alone. She’s probably already told on _me_.”

 

Connor grabbed his hand, walking fast up to the school as Evan blushed. “What class do you have now?”

He was suddenly glad he had memorized his schedule. “Um, a-art.” He said as Connor lead him through the halls.

“Me too. “ Connor stopped at Evans locker, checking the time on his phone with his free hand. “Look, you only missed the third period.” He let go of Evan’s hand, turning around as the halls filled up. “Well, I’ll see you. “

“Connor, wait,” Evan said, his hand suddenly cold. “You’re um, not going to class?”

“Nope.” Connor smiled smugly. “Skipping. Wanna come?”

Evan flushed, stuttering. _If you say no he’ll hate you. He probably already hates you. He only agreed to be your friend after you mentioned therapy, he probably just doesn’t want to be the reason you try to kill yourself. Again._

As if he could hear Evan’s thoughts, he gave him a pat on the shoulder. “You don’t have to come. Some other time.” He rolled his eyes, wordlessly walking off.

 

 _“Dude, what the _fuck_ was that?” _ Jared said from behind him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOOP THERE IT IS
> 
> I hope you guys don't think that was rushed, but at least Connor doesn't have to stalk anymore
> 
> I'm stoked, it all goes up/downhill from here so buckle up kiddos 
> 
> I'll be writing chapter 7 as you guys read this!!! :) 
> 
> Leave a comment with what you liked, what you hated, or your favorite mythical creature and its origin!


	7. Flicker Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's side of the first day of senior year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to start updating more regularly but AHHHHH my babies won some Tonys!!!!!!!! 
> 
> It's like 2 AM here so if you see any errors please let me know
> 
> !!!!!!!Also: HEED TAG WARNINGS (Mainly just talking about Connor's scars and suicidal thoughts but still)!!!!!!!!!

Connor woke up on the first day of senior year to his sister, yelling and banging her fist on the doorframe. He groaned, burying his head under his pillow and wondering how long she had been at it. He also wondered how someone so small could be so  _ fucking annoying. _

 

“ _ Connor, _ ” she yelled. “If you’re late I’m leaving without you. You can walk for all I care.” 

 

He wanted to yell, he wanted to tell her to fuck off. He wanted to throw something at his sister. 

 

He settled for throwing something to the side of her. Grabbing the book he had stayed up until 5 AM reading, he hurled it as hard as possible in the general direction, just enough to where it landed at her feet.

 

“Okay, fine.” Zoe sighed. He didn’t look up but knew by her retreating footsteps that she was gone. 

 

He looked at his clock, realizing that Zoe had gotten him up earlier than usual. He had an hour even if he  _ were _ walking. 

 

So, he got high. 

 

Back leaned against the bathroom counter, he smoked with the shower in the background as an excuse for the smoke. It was his last blunt in the stash under his dresser, and he mentally made a note to text his dealer - a community college student who was often too high himself to worry about Connor asking for a lower price- and to take the half blunt out of his glovebox. He finished and dropped the remaining bud into the toilet, and decided he actually would shower.

 

Unknown to anyone but him, it wasn’t that he didn’t shower often because he just hated showers -or, as Zoe said, “he uses the grease as hair gel.”- he just hated most things, not excluding himself. And so undressing was slowed by both that and the fact that he was high. He took off his hoodie last, cringing at the scars and yellowed bruises that littered his arms. They varied in age, from fading cuts from a month ago to timid lines from freshman year, and -the ones that stung the most when he got in- the ones inflicted from the day before. _Thank god it’s getting cold out. That way you can hide your disgusting body._ _No one needs to know how much of a freak you are._

 

He was out of the shower quickly, slipping his hoodie back on and walking into his room to grab some ripped jeans. He thanked everything in the sky that Zoe didn’t have to come upstairs, as he still had no door. 

“Connor, get some breakfast!” His mother called. 

 

He stomped downstairs and hesitated after pouring some cereal. Could he still get out of going to school? 

 

_ Probably not.  _ But he could try. 

 

“Connor, your sister said you’re leaving in fifteen minutes.” Larry grunted, not bothering to hide that he was checking his email on his phone under the table despite yelling at Connor for the same thing constantly.  _ Fucking Larry. _

“Um… Actually, I’m staying home today. Nothing ever happens on the first day.” He said, finishing off the milk.

 

Pouring Larry some coffee, his mother sighed. “It’s your senior year Connor. You’re not missing the first day.” 

_ Fuck.  _ “I already said I’d go tomorrow.” He grumbled, glaring eyes cast towards the table. 

Cynthia turned to Larry, motioning towards Connor. “Are you gonna get involved here or are you too busy on your email, Larry?” 

 

_ Great, you’re starting another fight between them. It’s the only thing you’re good at.  _

 

Larry cleared his throat. “You have to go to school, Connor.”

“That’s all you’re gonna say?” Cynthia said, exasperated.

“What do you want me to say? He doesn’t listen.”  _ He’s right. You’re useless, you couldn’t even hang yourself right- _ “Look at him. He’s not listening. He’s probably high.”

Zoe narrowed her eyes. “He’s definitely high.” 

_ That’s it.  _ “Fuck you!” He laid his head on the table, trying to block the voices from both inside and outside. 

“I do not need you picking at your brother right now, that is not constructive.” Since the ‘incidents’ (as Larry liked to call them) from when he was younger, Cynthia always tried to keep up some kind of civility. Especially around Connor.  _ See what that gets her. A failing son AND marriage. It’s really a shocker that you’re the only suicidal one in the house.  _

_ “ _ Are you kidding?” Zoe asked her mother.

“Besides, he’s not high!”

 

Connor -slowly and slightly guiltily- raised his head.  _ Great. It’s not even 8 and you’ve already disappointed all three family members. _

 

_ “ _ Are you high?”

“W-” He opened his mouth to speak, quickly shutting it when his mother gave him a disappointed look. 

“I don’t want you going to school high Connor we have  _ talked about this _ .”  _ You have. Multiple times. No wonder everyone hates you so much. _

“Perfect, so then I won’t go!” He sighed, getting up. “Thanks, mom!” He slammed the door behind him. 

 

Despite telling his mom he wouldn’t, he got into Zoe’s car anyway. He would’ve driven himself, but after he snuck out last time -and ended up helping Evan- his parents had taken his car away, assuming that he had gone to get weed. He was  _ not _ about to correct them, as he’d probably just be accused of lying - _ It’s so unbelievable that you would have friends because you’re a fucking piece of shit-  _ or, his mom would get that big, hopeful smile. He didn’t know which was worse. 

 

Zoe got in the car, slamming the door angrily. “God Connor, you’re such a piece of shit!” 

 

He didn’t bite back. He was  _ not _ high enough for this. 

* * *

 

 

The ride to school was short, and silent. Zoe had done that since they had started arguing, the silent yet deadly treatment where she just waited for Connor to speak so she could snap or tell on him.

 

Sometimes, he wished his sister didn’t hate him. And then there were those times when she was such an insufferable tattle tale  _ bitch _ , that he couldn’t stand her. These moods were almost enough to make him believe himself when he threatened to kill her.  _ Almost. _

 

Zoe kept tapping her nails. Again and again on the wheel, her  _ fucking stupid _ acrylic nails. He felt the anger building up, barely realizing that he was digging into his wrist with his nails. 

 

“ _ Can’t you fucking stop?!”  _ He snapped.

“Fine.” Zoe said, looking at him like he had lost his mind.  _ Larry probably told her you did, he’s already told mom that. _ “ _ Fucking dick.” _ She muttered under her breath. 

 

They got to the school, Connor immediately jumping out. Meanwhile, Zoe rushed to meet her jazz band friends. She had been so overzealous to get there that she had gotten Connor to school 30 minutes early.  _ Great.  _

 

And now he was sitting against the lockers, wishing he had a joint.  _ Should’ve just skipped.  _ He pulled out a book, getting lost in the pages within the first few words.

 

* * *

 

 

The bell rang. He had ten minutes before class, a homeroom that he only needed to stay for to be assigned a locker.  _ Pointless. Just like you. _ A voice in his head spoke.

 

Suddenly, he heard a voice across the hall. 

 

“...Like I would want to anyways.”

 

He got up, trying to avoid the  _ asshole _ that was Jared Kleinman. Connor noticed he had Evan with him.  _ Even better. _ Ever since he had realised that he actually wanted to be Evan’s friend, he had avoided him. He didn’t need to feel that way, and Evan was too nice for him.  _ He’d realise he didn’t want to be your friend as soon as you went fucking crazy on him. Everyone already knows you’re a monster.  _

 

Ducking his head, he started towards homeroom. 

 

“Speaking of your boyfriend. Hey Connor! Love the new hair length, very school shooter chic.” 

 

He stopped, feeling hot anger and annoyance bubbling in his veins. He started at Jared hatefully, seeing everyone slowly turning to watch them.  _ Crazy Connor, about to go batshit on someone else.  _ The only person who didn’t look at him with hateful judgement was Evan, who just looked between Connor and Jared very uncomfortably. 

 

“I was just, kidding…” Jared’s judgemental eyes now held a fear that Connor was all too familiar with seeing. “It was a joke?” 

 

“Yeah I know it was funny I’m laughing can’t you tell?” He felt it coming, his voice oddly calm for someone who was imagining how much blood would splatter if he beheaded Jared Kleinman then and there. He stepped forward, unable to stop himself. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” 

 

Jared looked Connor up and down, seemingly realising that Connor was reading to fight him and Jared was, well, Jared. “You’re such a freak…” He walked into the classroom door beside him and sat down. 

 

Connor took in a breath, trying to ignore the whispers. 

 

Not far from where Jared had been, he heard a slight chuckle. From  _ Evan Hansen _ . He didn’t quite understand why, but that was it for him.

 

“What the fuck are  _ you _ looking at?” He snapped. 

“What?” Connor barely registered the terrified look that Evan was giving him. All he saw was red.  _ This is why you don’t have any friends. See, you’re scaring him. God, you’re a dick. _

_ “ _ Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“No, I’m not-” Evan backed away.  _ He obviously thinks you’re a freak. _

“I’m not the freak,” Connor stepped forward.

“But I wasn’t-”

“ _ You’re the fucking freak!” _ He pushed Evan, walking as fast as he possibly could.  _ Fuck homeroom if you have to spend it with those assholes. _

 

He went into the bathroom, sitting against the wall with his head in his hands. 

 

* * *

 

 

He woke back up when the bell rang. It was second period. He checked his schedule, sighing. At least he had honors English. 

 

He stepped into the class, sitting in the back and trying to ignore the fact that Evan was nervously staring from across the room. 

 

* * *

 

 

The bell rang once again, all students packing up for lunch. In all the commotion, he had forgotten to bring anything -and had left his money where he usually hid it. He decided to skip the cafeteria, and  tried to decide where to go.

 

He considered the library. His favorite place the year before, it was quiet enough for someone who hated everything.  _ No. Too many people know you’re a freak already. That’s all you need is to snap at a librarian.  _

 

And so the computer lab was his next destination.  _ Lucky, _ he thought, that no one else was there. He started up the stone age computer, putting in his headphones and blasting music. He didn’t notice when someone else walked in, or when they spent the rest of lunch nervously typing. He  _ did _ notice, however, that he had five minutes before class. He considered skipping, but shook his head at the thought. 

 

Gathering his stuff, he looked around and saw an opportunity to apologize, as Evan Hansen was at the corner desk.  

 

The printer came to life, and Connor slowly approached and saw Evan’s name. Sighing, he picked it up. Well,  _ here goes nothing. _

 

_ He’s definitely gonna tell you to fuck off, or he’ll start crying because you’re scary, or have an anxiety attack and pass out and everyone will think you did it on purpose because you’re such a freak. _

 

“So…” He began, trying to sound casual and walking towards Evan. The nervous teen looked up, making eye contact. “Um, no one else has signed your cast.”  _ You probably scared the poor guy’s few friends off. _

“Oh, I um… I asked but well, um… No one else wanted to.” Evan seemed embarrassed by this fact.  

“Well… That’s just one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard, besides falling out of a tree.” He laughed shakily.  _ Wow. You’re doing amazing. Asshole.  _

“Oh… I know.” Evan looked down. 

_ Shit. Think of something.  _ The letter. “Is this yours?” He held the letter out. “I, um, I found it on the printer. It’s- It’s dear Evan Hansen, that’s your name.” 

Evan jumped, as if a small jolt of electricity had gone through him. “Oh yeah, nonono that’s stupid it’s just this-”  Connor looked down, curious on why Evan was so afraid. His eyes focused on one sentence.

 

“Because there’s Zoe… And Connor. Um…. Is this about me and my sister?” 

“Oh nonono-”

 

His mind went wild. A chorus of betrayal was going through his mind to the tune of his ever growing heartbeat. It grew again and again, a crescendo of self hating thoughts all coming to the same hurtful conclusion.  _ He did this on purpose. He wants to show everyone how crazy you are. _

 

“You wrote this… Because you knew I would find it.” Connor felt a hot blush across his face like a slap. He actually  _ would _ have rather been slapped.

“W-What?” 

“Yeah… You,uh, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab and you wrote this and you… Printed this out so I could find it.” In Connor’s mind, it made perfect sense.  _ Who would actually write about you? Friends? Please, you’re too crazy and broken and he knows it. _

“Why- Why would I do that?” Evan backed away.  _ See, he knows the prank went too far.  _

 

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and I and freak out, right? And then  _ you  _ can tell  _ everyone _ that I’m crazy, right?!” 

“N-nno! I didn’t!”  _ Guilty. _ Connor’s thoughts said. 

Connor had enough. “Fuck you!” He stomped out of the lab, a ringing in his hears making him unable to hear anything behind him. He didn’t want to. 

 

` _ So much for not skipping. Fuck it. _

 

He walked out of the door and through the student parking lot.  For just a second, he considered stealing Zoe’s car. But no, he was in enough trouble. 

 

Pain hit him, a pain that he never felt physically unless he made himself. HIs parents already hated him, Zoe hated him.... He was alone. He was a  _ freak. _ He cursed his tears.  _ Weak. _ His chest was tight, and he barely knew where he was walking until he got down the block.  _ What are you going to do? Attempt again? You can’t at home. _

 

_ There’s a bridge down the road. _

 

He knew what he would do. He sat on the curb, until he realized that there were still footsteps echoing.  _ Evan. _

 

He wiped a stray tear, willing himself to scare someone away. To build his walls up. “Stop following me.” 

“I-um- I can’t follow you if you’re sitting down.” There was a short silence, and Evan gave a small squeak. “Oh, I just mean- I uh- Sorry.”

 

Impressed -and slightly cheered up for a reason he couldn’t qute tell- Connor laughed, wiping his eyes. “That’s the first time I’ve  _ ever _ heard you say something that could even slightly be rude, and I’ve been in the same school as you since kindergarten. Don’t ruin it with a sorry.”

“Oh, I- um, sorry.” Evan blushed.

Connor sighed, checking his watch. “Why are you even out here? We - _ you’re-  _ missing third period.”  _ He probably just wants to tell everyone about you crying.  _

“Well,um, I wanted to explain, and you, um, took my letter…” 

Connor pulled the crumpled letter out of the pocket he barely remembered stuffing it into. He wanted to ask.  _ Not worth embarrassing yourself even more, or going fucking crazy again. _

 

“It’s um… It’s for th-therapy?” Evan said shakily.

“”Therapy…” Connor repeated. He hadn’t been to therapy since before things got worse. Hell, his original diagnosis had probably become severe, coupled with even more shit. At this point, he was unfixable. He read over the letter, seeing the small cues of Evan’s problems in the words. Even worse; he saw pieces of himself in the paper. He held it out, waiting for Evan to take it.

“Th-Thanks…”

“Wait.” Connor retracted his hand, curiosity overtaking him. “What did you mean by that bit… About me and Zoe?” 

 

Evan blushed crimson, and Connor’s nerves relaxed a bit more.  _ He’s either a good actor or… Actually embarrassed. _ Connor almost hoped it was the second. “I -uh- I just… I- you two were the only ones who were kinda nice, like friendly nice, and Jared is my only f-family friend so I was, um, I was hoping I was hoping that I could… be friends. But I totally screwed that up because you think I’m a freak that jumps into stranger’s cars and Zoe, well Zoe forgot she even introduced herself to me before and I- that’s so weird I shouldn’t have written that and-” 

 

Connor was shocked. More than shocked.He was torn between hoping that Evan was being truthful and, well, the feelings he had about friendship. Because Connor was  _ too broken for friends. _

 

“You want to be friends. WIth me.” He knew there was a touch of pain in his voice and waited for Evan to yell about how gullible he was for thinking someone actually wanted him.  _ Wouldn’t be the first time.  _

“Um… Yeah? I’m sorry I’m weird I probably freaked you out and-”

“I um, I want to be friends with you too…” He handed the paper back, face growing hot as the self hating thoughts rushed in. “But I’m not sure why you want to be friends with me. I’m the school psycho, haven’t you heard?”

Evan nodded, hesitantly. “Well um, yeah. No -agh.” Connor clenched his fist. “I just -I don’t think you’re a psycho?” He said. 

 

He hesitated one last time. “You’re -um- you’re serious? I mean, about wanting to be, um, friends?” 

 

_ Last chance.  _ Connor braced for it, trying to figure out how he would play the rejection off -When Evan nodded.

 

Trying not to seem too excited, Connor allowed himself a small smile. “I guess that’s it then.” 

 

His phone beeped, the annoying tone Zoe had chosen for herself when they were younger echoing. “Shit.” Connor felt his shoulders reflexively tense.

 

**Zoe M:** **Connor what the fuck are you doing to that Evan kid I swear if you murdered him**

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

**Connor M:** **Chill the fuck out. He’s my friend.**

 

It felt foreign to type. “Zoe.” He sighed. “Apparently word got around to her that you followed me out here. She thinks I murdered you in a blind rage or something.”

 

**Zoe M:** **Friend? Jeez, did you threaten him? Please tell me you aren’t threatening him into something dangerous. Does mom need to know about this?**

 

“Why-Why would she think that?” The slight fear in Evans voice was obvious no matter how much he tried to hide it.

 

Connor thought back to when he had first started struggling, threatening to kill Zoe while he pounded on his sister’s door. “Long story.” He avoided Evan’s eyes. “Listen. We should get you to class before Zoe tells my mom I didn’t skip alone. She’s probably already told on  _ me _ .” 

 

Seeing that Evan was still standing there, Connor took his hand and began walking fast, trying to ignore his own blush. “What class do you have now?” 

“Um, a-art.” Evan stuttered. Connor looked back at him, noticing the rosiness of his new friends slightly chubby cheeks. 

He lead Evan through the halls, heart pounding. “Me too.” He said, glad he would see his friend whenever he actually showed up. His  _ friend _ . “Look, you only missed third period,” He pointed out, barely noticing as the halls filled up for looking at his friend. He clumsily let go of Evan’s hand. “Well, I’ll see you.” 

“Connor, wait,” Evan called. “You’re not going to class?” 

 

 

Connor was  _ almost _ tempted to stay, but he caught Evan’s eye. “Nope.” He grinned. “Skipping. Wanna come?” 

 

Though he knew Evan would say no, he almost wished the boy would agree. Judging by Evan’s flush, thought, he knew the boy wanted to finish the school day. He awkwardly patted Evan’s shoulder. “You don’t have to come. Some other time.” He turned as Zoe got caught mid pursuit by a friend, and stalked off. He had some weed to buy.

 

_ And, _ he admitted to himself with a slight grin, _ a friend to text. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> Feel free to leave kudos, comments, what you liked or disliked, or even a terrible description of your favorite musical


	8. For Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not even sorry, had to complete the stereotype.

“So you made friends with  _ Connor Murphy.” _ Jared, having accepted Heidi’s request to drive Evan to school that morning, had decided to continue his favorite activity: Connor bashing.

“Jared, w-we’ve been over this eighteen times, I-”

“That’s a great idea, Evan!” Jared mocked. “Speaking of great ideas, why don’t we go pick up a fucking hobo off the street and ask him to be our roommate!” 

“ _ Jared,” _ Evan groaned. “He’s-he’s really not that bad.”

 

Evan and Connor had been friends for a little over a week, and it was… odd, to say the least. They would occasionally text about their days and shows they liked, and Connor sat with Evan wherever he decided to go for lunch that day, but -much to a jealous Jared’s delight- Evan felt as if there were a wall there. He knew  _ he  _ was afraid to scare Connor off or upset him, but he didn’t know why Connor was so pulled back from him. Just as, if not odder, Connor had been attending school for at least four hours every day.

 

“ _ Not that bad? _ ” Jared scoffed as if insulted. “Hansen, are we talking about the same Connor Murphy? He threw a  _ printer.  _ At a  _ teacher. _ You get upset if I even so much as sass the science teacher once.” He parked, crossing his arms. 

“Y- You were saying that I knew more about trees! That’s rude! P-Plus, Connor was in the second grade when that happened.” Evan stepped out of the car, walking away.

“You’re just mad that I’m making fun of your boyfriend!” Jared yelled at his back through the car window, laughing.

 

Evan shook his head, walking into the school. He stopped at his locker and grabbed his stuff, jumping slightly when he closed the locker door and Connor was standing there. 

 

“H-hey.” He said.  _ Was that even half casual? Jesus, how have you kept him your friend this long? _ __  
  


Connor looked like hell. Bags under his eyes a darker shade than the usual purple and hair in a messy man bun, Evan was surprised he hadn’t decided to skip that day. Connor mumbled a reply, taking a sip of the black coffee in his hand. 

 

They silently walked to homeroom -or, Connor walked Evan to homeroom since Connor’s was in the opposite hall- and Connor was obviously tired and slightly grumpy. He clenched his fist at the slow gait of the girl in front of them.  Finally, Evan sighed. 

 

“Do you, uh, d-do you wanna s-skip? It’s just it’s a Friday and you look really tired so-”

“Fuck yes.” Connor sighed in relief. 

 

They started towards the parking lot, passing a group of students, and at the end of the group was what Evan imagined lies at the end of Jaws theme music.  _ Other than sharks, of course. _

 

“Heeeey Evan!” Jared yelled as if he hadn’t expected Evan to be at school despite driving him there.  _ Asshole. _ “I was on my way to talk to you about a science project when I ran into Zoe here!”

 

Evan blushed, idly picking at the plaster of his cast. Beside him, Connor whispered “fuck.”

 

“We- We don’t even have science together,  _ Jared.”  _ Evan sighed. 

“Isn’t your class, like, the other way?” Zoe asked, narrowing her eyes at Connor. “You aren’t corrupting him are you?” 

Evan blushed. “I’m r-right here? And, um, I just, um-” They were screwed.

“We were going for a walk. We’ve got ten minutes, Zoe.” Connor’s words had an annoyed edge to them, and Evan would’ve been shocked that Connor had become so hostile so quick if he didn’t know him by then. “You don’t even have a class down this hall.” 

“A walk? With all of your stuff? I would’ve thought that  _ you _ were lazy enough to drop your stuff off.” She crossed her arms, and Evan got the feeling that she knew about their plans.  _ You’re totally fucked. There goes college. _ “Do I need to tell mom of this  _ walk _ ?” Jared looked between the bickering siblings as if he were considering filming them. Evan could see him reaching for the phone in his pocket.

 

Connor scoffed. “Fuck off, Zoe.” He pushed past his sister and Evan’s family friend, walking out fast.

 

Evan looked up at both of them. “Um, n-nice seeing you both.” He said, walking between the gap that Connor had left.

 

By the time that he had walked to where Connor was-- all the way across the parking lot-- he was leaning against a car so nice that Evan could only guess that it belonged to the Murphy family. “Almost thought you’d changed your mind about skipping after all.” There was a grumble to his voice, and Evan thought he was probably making up the slight fear he heard.

“N-no, sorry I just-”

“Get in.” 

 

Before Evan knew it, they were on the road. 

 

“So, um, you got your car back?” Evan asked, trying to start a conversation to distract from the somber tone. 

Connor tensed. “Not exactly, we kinda just stole Zoe’s car. “ He chuckled. “You think you’d remember if this were the car you jumped into or not.”

_ Oh. Yeah. _

 

“W-well. I was kinda, um, too busy focusing on the whole, um, breathing thing?” Evan said, in a tone that was not meant to be as harsh as it came out. 

Connor sighed, and Evan noticed just how fast he was going. “It’s no problem. Just a joke.” 

“Where, um, where are we going?” 

“This place I used to go to with my fa- my mom, and Larry. And Zoe.” He added, running a hand through his hair and taking a sharp turn. “It’s this orchard. It’s dumb, but it’s an okay place to get high at.” 

 

Evan nodded, watching the road and letting the car fall quiet. Connor’s phone kept buzzing from the console, and every time it did, Connor seemed to grip the steering wheel tighter. The sound droned on.

 

**17 Missed Calls**

**6 Unread Messages**

 

Connor’s shoulders were tense, and his knuckles were white against the steering wheel.  Evan noticed their speed was topping 70.

 

With squealing tires, Connor pulled into a gravel parking lot that was overgrown with weeds. He got out of the car quickly, grabbing his phone as he went.

 

Evan sat there for a minute in shock. Hesitantly, he stepped out.

 

Connor was standing by the car, head down as he flicked through his voicemail box on speaker. 

 

“Connor, it’s Zoe. I’m calling mom if you don’t bring Evan back. Did you threaten him or-” Evan couldn’t tell if Connor or the voicemail cut her off, but assumed the former by the way he was shaking. 

“Connor, it’s your mom, honey you need to go back to school-”

“Connor. Go back to school you fucking-” 

 

Connor clenched his jaw more with each message. 

 

Finally, he got to the last message. “Connor, it’s Lar- your father.” Evan didn’t recognize the male voice that came from the speakers. “If you don’t come back to school, I’ll have to add to your grounding. I can’t believe you made me interrupt my work day-” 

 

“ _ Fuck!”  _  Connor threw his phone down, breathing heavily. Evan winced as it bounced off the gravel with a  _ crack _ . 

Evan had no idea how to comfort people. With his mom, a nice chick flick and a hug helped. With Jared -the rare times he actually showed emotions- a pat on the back and double the insults to Evan helped. With Connor… With Connor, he was clueless. 

 

_ And useless. If you try anything, either way, he’ll hate you. You’ll never be a good friend.  _

 

“I um, I’m- If you, um If you need to talk- if you need to rant or something you can…” 

“I just,” Connor was breathing heavily, pulling on his hair as he sat on a wooden block at the end of a parking space. “I fucking  _ hate _ Larry sometimes, he doesn’t even try to get me help and then- and then when I start showing out they’re suddenly so  _ obsessed  _ with my attendance? If they were this fucking worried about therapy,  _ maybe I wouldn’t be so god damn broken!”  _ He put his head in his hands, shaking. 

“You’re not… You’re not broken.” Evan said quietly, taking a few steps towards Connor. The only other sounds in the air were the birds and Connor’s erratic breathing. He hesitated, considering if he should go to Connor’s side or wait it out.  _ He’ll think you’re even more of a weirdo. He even remembered when you jumped in his car, he doesn’t want you near him. _

“Yeah, right. I’m the just picture perfect example of a mentally healthy person.” He said bitterly, looking up at Evan and pulling his sleeves down.

“You, um, you aren’t perfect… But you aren’t broken?” Evan said, trying to tread lightly. “Your dad, um… He doesn’t seem to understand what you- what you need.” He breathed out. Connor just stared at him. “Sorry.” 

“No. You kind of have it right. Larry doesn’t give a shit about anything but himself and our precious image.” Connor chuckled flatly. 

Evan nodded, finally walking over and sitting beside Connor. 

 

They sat in silence for the ten minutes that it took Connor to breathe normally. Finally, the brunet got up, picking up his -cracked- phone. “Well. Um, welcome to the orchard.” He held an arm out, gesturing towards the yellowed fence overlooking a massive field framed by weathered trees. He jumped over the fence effortlessly and stood on the other side waiting for his friend. Evan tried to get over the same way he did and subsequently tripped, Connor having to catch him. He slightly flinched when Evan’s cast hit his shoulder. 

 

“S-sorry,” Evan stuttered, breaking the slight eye contact and letting go of Connor’s shoulders with a flush. 

 

They walked casually through the field, and Evan tried not to let himself show how much he was loving it.  _ Normal kids don’t obsess over the trees. _ “This place… This place is b-beautiful.” He smiled wide and met Connor’s eyes. The leaves were yellowing and already falling on the ground, but he was still transfixed by their beauty. 

“I usually come here to get away,” Connor admitted with a sigh, running his fingers through his hair. “Larry and Cyn- My mom usually thinks that I spend the time buying drugs.” Connor looked around as if he expected Evan to laugh at the fact, or to retract his friendship. Evan just nodded.

 

Connor looked up and stopped walking. Then, he plopped down on the grass, lying down. Evan looked down at him. 

 

Connor looked almost angelic. His hair was splayed out in the grass around him flawlessly, with flowers peeking through the thin strands. He had his eyes closed as if he were the most at peace he had been in weeks. 

 

“What are you doing?” Evan laughed nervously, wondering what the  _ hell _ that line of thoughts had been with a flush. 

“Hunting elephants.” Connor hummed sarcastically. “Lay down with me,  _ tree boy _ .” Evan hid the slight flinch, deciding not to bring up the uncomfortable nickname. “It’s one of the last good days of the summer. The clouds are covering the sun perfectly, and it’s just… This is good weather. Enjoy it.” 

Evan laid down beside Connor nervously. He was right, Evan realised, it  _ was _ peaceful. 

 

Connor laughed, startling the serene atmosphere. Evan’s thoughts kicked into gear;  _ He’s laughing at you.  _

 

“W-what?” Evan asked.

“It’s just,” Connor looked over at him, flashing a rare smile. “Despite the shitty morning I had, I was actually looking forward to class today. We were going to dissect something. But-”

Evan blushed, feeling guilt bubble in his stomach. “Oh, I’m sorry we can go if you want-”

“ _ Slow down, _ ” Connor sighed. “But now… There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Evan stared at Connor for a minute, shocked. “M-me too.” 

 

They sat there for a minute, staring up at the sky. Evan almost pointed out the shapes in the clouds to make a joke about how cliche the moment was. But then, Connor spoke again, pointing to a tree above them. “That tree is really fucking tall.” 

“Yeah… It’s a-”

“How do you think the world looks from up so high?” 

Evan almost shuddered, remembering climbing the tree before school started. “I- um- I don’t know.” 

 

Connor looked at him with a mischievous glint in his dark eyes. “Let’s find out.” 

 

And there he went, running towards the tree he had pointed out. Evan grinned, getting to his feet a bit slower. Connor’s hair bounced at his shoulders as he looked at him with stars in his eyes, calling “Follow me!” 

 

He got to the base of the tree, Connor already branches above him. He could do this.  _ Right _ ? 

 

One foot after the other, he climbed higher and higher, until he finally got to the branch that Connor was sitting on. Panting, he sat on the other side. Connor was looking over the field, transfixed. Evan followed his eyes. 

 

The trees occasionally rustled in the wind, soft beams of light peeking through the leaves as if they were hesitant to touch that part of the ground. The grass waved as if greeting the trees. From so high up, Evan could see the city, from the school to the hospital where his mom worked. 

 

If heaven existed, Evan had found his. 

 

He looked over to Connor. The wind was rustling his friend’s hair, and the looked he had reminded Evan of a happily curious child. He blushed, realising he was staring. 

 

He flickered his eyes away, but not soon enough to miss Connor’s. 

 

His phone beeped, and Evan realised with a shock that it was already 1 PM.

 

**Jared: Hng ot aftr schl?**

 

Evan squinted and typed out a reply with a sigh.

 

**Evan: Can’t… Skipped with Connor. Not back yet.**

**Jared: Lme. U gys fcked yt?**

 

With a gasp and a flush, Evan typed a reply. Connor broke the silence. “What did Jared say?”  
Evan looked up. “H-how did you know it was Jared?” 

“You’ve complained about having to decode every text, and your eyebrows look like they’ve made peace with your hairline. Just assumed.”

“Oh… He just, um, said something about us skipping. N-no big deal.” 

Connor nodded. “Dick.” And checked his phone. “We should probably head back to town.” 

 

Evan nodded, beginning to climb down.

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you want ice cream?” 

 

Connor pulled into A La Mode, looking from the small parlor to Evan.

 

“S-sure… I don’t think I brought any money, though, I’ll just sit with you-”

Connor scoffed. “I’m paying.” 

 

Evan blushed.  _ Such a burden. You haven’t been friends for even a month and you’re already a parasite.  _

 

 

They walked into the cool store, and started towards the counter. Evan froze.  _ Oh god, what if you fuck up your order, or actually get peanut butter and die, or stutter mid sentence and you’re already costing him so much- _

 

Connor looked down at him and sighed. “What kind do you want?”  He whispered.

“Oh- I um- I can-” Evan stuttered. “...Anything without peanuts.”

 

Connor ordered two cones of cookie dough ice cream. He sat down across from Evan, handing him one. “Is this okay?” 

“Yeah, um… This is actually my favourite flavour.” Connor nodded. “I’ll, um… I’ll pay you back.” 

“My treat. Just consider it my apology for freaking the fuck out because my dad is a huge dick.” 

 

Evan frowned. “N-no, that’s fine…” 

 

They ate in silence, occasionally looking up as new customers entered with a sound of the small bell.

 

Connor’s phone rang again. He narrowed his eyes, putting it to his ear. “ _ What,  _ Zoe?” 

 

There was yelling on the other side. 

 

“Take the fucking bus.” He snapped. “You’ve already told mom Zoe, what else can you-” His face fell as Evan assumed Zoe responded. “I’ll be there.” 

 

Connor got up. “Evan, we have to go.” 

Evan nodded, throwing the rest of his ice cream away and following Connor out the door.

* * *

Due to Connor’s speeding, the ride took thirty minutes instead of the usual fifty. The closer they got to the town, the more tense Evan noticed Connor got. 

 

“It’s only four.” Connor sighed. “Do you want me to drop you off at your house or Jared’s?” 

“Jared is ,uh, mad at me, and it’s out of the way-” 

“It doesn’t matter if it’s out of the way. Hell, it keeps me away from house arrest.”

“Uh- okay. Jared’s, then.” Evan could walk home from Jared’s, it was only what, two miles? It was worth it.

 

Connor sighed, looking down at the phone in his lap. “Looks like we fucking have to pick Zoe up first. Sorry in advance.” He stopped at the school parking lot, and Zoe got in with a slam of the back door. 

“You’re lucky I had jazz band practice, dickhole.” Zoe grumbled. 

“Yeah,  _ lucky me.”  _ Connor sighed sarcaStically. “You act as if I’m going home to just the  _ best _ family after a convenient road trip. “

“That was some trip. Mom had to stop Larry from calling the cops. He should’ve.”

 

Evan sat, picking at a loose thread at the end of his shirt. He prayed that Jared’s would be around the corner.

 

“As if it would’ve made a difference.” Connor scoffed. “You guys treat me like a prisoner anyway.” 

“Yeah, because life is  _ so _ bad for you,” Zoe raised her voice. “Fuck you, Connor. Why don’t you just make up another problem for more attention? Wanna waste more money on therapy? Why not just-” Surprising everyone, including himself, Evan spoke up.

 

“He’s not making it up!” He yelled.

 

The car was silent. Zoe cleared her throat. 

 

Connor pulled into Jared’s driveway, unbuckling. “I’ll walk you to the door.” 

“Oh, um, okay.”  _ Here it goes. He’s gonna say he doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore, and then Jared will hate you, and then you won’t have anyone just like before school started, and-  _

 

Evan tried to focus on the sidewalk. It was dented and scratched, and near the front porch it had two small handprints with an inscription under them. 

 

**Jared and Evan, ‘07**

 

“Th-thanks. For today. I mean, um-”

Connor chuckled. “Gotcha.” then, his face switched suddenly, an emotionless mask replacing the slight smirk. “Look, Evan.”  _ Oh, here it comes.  _ “I won’t really be able to use my phone unless I steal it from the place where Larry usually hides it. But I had fun. Today.” 

Evan nodded gently. Connor turned to leave, but Evan grabbed his arm. 

 

“Um, stay safe.” He said nervously. 

Shocked, Connor’s eyes seemed to soften. “You too.” He nodded, and turned around, leaving Evan on the porch. 

 

By the time he was driving away, Connor had already started arguing with Zoe. 

 

The door opened  behind Evan, and he jumped. Jared stood there, in his pyjamas, with a bowl of ice cream. “The fuck?”

“J-Jared, I’m- um- Connor dropped me off and I- um-” 

 

Jared looked him up and down, and shrugged as if he decided last minute against slamming the door in Evan’s face. “ _ Come in. _ ” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon that Jared is the type of teenage boy that secretly watches rom coms and eats ice cream after his friend blows him off
> 
> Please check out my other fics :)
> 
> The Insanely Emo Jared Kleinman (completed one-shot): https://archiveofourown.org/works/11165826  
> Behind The Screen (ongoing, multi-chaptered collab): http://archiveofourown.org/works/11213625/chapters/25050585  
> Score For Me (ongoing, multi-chaptered): http://archiveofourown.org/works/11222385/chapters/25074849
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please leave kudos and a comment of what you hated, liked, or even the bee movie script I live on comments


	9. Cut Me Loose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!! Read chapter notes!!! 
> 
> “Well,” Cynthia looked nervously between Connor’s chair and Larry, who was still standing. “I think you should invite this- this Evan over for dinner!”  
> Larry sighed and put on a strained smiled. “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my beautiful GF failedfalencho her stories are better than mine could ever be, check her out!!! http://archiveofourown.org/users/failedfalencho/pseuds/failedfalencho
> 
> !!!!WARNING: This chapter contains mentions of self-harm! (not graphic, but still enough just in case for me to warn you guys!) stay safe lovelies!!!!!!!
> 
> Also, I am SO SORRY for the delay (over a week wow I'm awful) but I will be updating sooner next time (please do remember that I am working on three different works at one time)

Connor knew as soon as he got into the car to Zoe in the passenger seat that the tranquillity of the day was ruined. She was texting, and something about the smirk she possessed and her air of confidence made him feel as if he knew what the subject was.

 

“So,” Connor couldn’t tell if Zoe looked more genuinely curious or malicious, but figured it was the latter. “How was your _date_?”  
“Fuck off.”He growled, flushing.

“What’s crawled up your ass? Was he not into you?” Zoe feigned a sad look and shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“ _Zoe,”_ Connor threatened, feeling the angry and suicidal thoughts rushing through him as if it were in his blood. “If you don’t fucking _stop talking_ , I will drive us into a fucking tree.” He clenched his jaw, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see her cool complexion falter.

 

She looked away, subdued but obviously slightly frightened. Connor almost thought he heard her mutter “freak” under her breath. _Of course, everyone thinks you’re a freak. Even your family._

 

The single hopeful thought hit him like a punch in the gut. _Not Evan._ He shook the thought away. The car ride was -luckily- silent for the next fifteen minutes.

 

“So, what did you guys do? How’d you even get him to be your friend?” There was an almost genuine curiosity when she broke the silence.

“Why? You looking for tips?” He tried to joke but decided to actually answer as the question seemed surprisingly friendly. “He, um-”

“Was it like Ethan?” She interrupted.

Connor flinched. “Don’t bring that shit up.”

“Why?” She snorted. “You act like he didn’t actually happen. But no, everyone knows.”

He grit his teeth, silent for a few beats. “Ethan,” He sighed. “Was lying.”

She rolled her eyes, shifting in her seat. “Whatever. It’s totally believable that you would-”

“ _Shut the fuck up, Zoe._ ” His voice was oddly calm, but his knuckles were white on the steering wheel as he pulled into their driveway.

 

The lights were on in the sitting room. _Fuck._

 

He stepped in, and quietly tried to sneak past-

 

 _If only things went that way._ “Mom, Dad, we’re home!” Zoe called, another malicious grin painting her face as she looked at Connor.

 

“Connor?” His mother said as he almost made it onto the first step. _She almost sounds relieved. You’re so fucked up that she was worried about you instead of pissed off. Probably thought you tried to off yourself again._ He grunted a response.

Larry interrupted. “Get the _fuck_ in here.” Cynthia gasped but didn’t say anything.

 

Zoe followed him in, and he tried to fight the thoughts of how _delighted_ she seemed at the prospect of him getting in trouble.

 

His jaw was set as he turned to face an angrily flushed Larry. “Yes?” He crossed his arms, tugging at the end of his sleeves.

“ _You,_ ” Larry began. “Are grounded. Do you even realise how much we do for you? I had to take time off of my _very busy_ work day and how do you repay me? Sometimes you can be so ungrateful-”

“Yes, we all know that everyone wishes I had _fucking succeeded_! Jesus Larry, why didn’t you just ignore it when I kicked the stool last time, huh? If I’m-” HIs voice was probably loud enough to hear through the walls, but he didn’t care. All he felt was rage as he sat down.

“Connor!” Cynthia gasped. “That is enough!”

“Yes, of course,” He snapped. “Wouldn’t want the neighbours to think we’re as dysfunctional as we actually _fucking are!”_

Larry -somehow- got even redder. “Well Connor, we can’t all be junkies around here, someone has to do the work to support this family! Where were _you_ , huh? Buying more drugs? That’s all you do anymore, other than sitting around like the _useless freeloader_ you are!” Larry’s voice was strained with anger and exhaustion.

 

The words echoed in Connor’s brain. _Useless. Useless. Useless._ He slumped in his chair. _He’s right. You’ll never be more than the fucked up asshole you are. Everyone knows you should’ve succeeded. Next time you will, maybe you should just go upstairs now and-_

 

Zoe snorted. “No dad, he was on a _date._ ”

“It wasn’t a-” Connor blushed, sitting up.

“Really, honey?” Cynthia wiped her eyes and tried to give a kind smile. “What’s her name?”

“Please.” Zoe crossed her arms. “ _His_ name is Evan.”

“Oh well that’s still-”  Cynthia tried.

“ _Connor.”_ Larry sighed angrily.

“It wasn’t a date!” Connor defended again, voice strained with anger.

 

There was a silence so thick that Connor felt suffocated. He had to, _needed to_ get upstairs.

 

“Well,” Cynthia looked nervously between Connor’s chair and Larry, who was still standing. “ _I_ think you should invite this- this Evan over for dinner!”

Larry sighed and put on a strained smiled. “Of course.” It was almost a dare. Larry was challenging Connor, waiting for him to say no so he could yell at him for being gay.

 

“Fine,” Connor replied, trying not to wince.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He sat in his room an hour later, staring at his phone and trying to convince himself that it wasn’t a big deal.

 

_But it is. Remember the last time you had a friend over for dinner? That was a disaster, and you lost your only friend. And it’s gonna happen again. Who wants a fuck up like you as a friend? Evan? That’s ridiculous._

 

He broke out of his thoughts with a sigh. _Here goes everything._

 

**C. Murphy:** **The parents let me keep my phone… But Zoe tattled about you and they want you over for dinner. Sorry.**

 

Evan’s reply came almost immediately.

 

**Evan:** **Oh**

**Evan:** **Do you want me to? II understnd if you don’t want em around your parents but i ccan but if you want I can sayy I haev a dentist appointment or family emergency or smoething sorry**

**C. Murphy:** **More like I don’t want** **them** **around** **you.**

 **C. Murphy:** **it’s fine. We can go somewhere** ** _when_** **it all goes to shit.**

 

* * *

 

 

It was night, and he couldn’t sleep. He was too busy thinking and remembering and dreading the fucking dinner. He wanted to scream or run away, and his thoughts were so loud that for just a second he wondered what it was like to be normal.

His wrists itched.

With a sigh, he checked his clock. It was 3 AM, and by then even _Zoe_ was asleep. _Great._

He snuck down the hall, and into the bathroom that his mom had gotten renovated with marble when he was younger. He dug quickly through the cabinet, finding the loose panel that only someone who had been hiding in the bathroom for years would know about. In other words, only he knew about. The small box had a little indent in the metal on the top of it that was shaped like a flower. Inside it, three blades.

He pulled up his sleeve and put it to his arm, biting his lip. And then, he stopped short.

_Stay safe._ The genuine worry in Evan’s voice added to the guilt he already felt in the pit of his stomach.

He shook his hair out of his face, muffling a sob he hadn’t realised was in his throat.

_Sorry, Evan._

 

* * *

 

 

Connor woke on Saturday morning with a feeling of impending doom akin to the first day of senior year. The dinner was all he could think about from the minute he woke up.

**Evan:** **7:30 right? Should I bbring something? Is it fnncy or like, casual**

Connor sighed. _Evan._ The only person who was just as -if not more- anxious about the dinner.

 

**C. Murphy:** **Yep. No, my mother loves to cook (you might want to bring a barf bag for fucking gluten-free pasta though.). It’s casual.**

At 6, Connor was ready. With his least ripped skinny jeans -his mother made him change twice- and a fresh black hoodie, it felt more like he was the guest at his own family’s dinner (although that could have been due to the fact that he hadn’t actually sat through a full dinner since certain events). He tried not to wince when his hoodie sleeve brushed against his arm.

At 7:24, Evan texted.

**Evan:** **I’m outside bt if Imm too early I can get my mom to pick m back up and I can wait iff you want**

_Fuck._ He was not ready for this. At all. He went downstairs, leaning against the wall beside the door. He took a few calming breaths. They didn’t work

 

 **C.Murphy: ** **Ring the doorbell. I’ll open it.**

30 seconds after the text, the doorbell -almost hesitantly- rang. Connor opened the door. Evan stood there flushed, wearing a blue polo -like most days- and seemed to be shaking in a nature similar to a chihuahua. Connor sighed. “Come in.” Leading him upstairs, his mind was racing. _Here comes the prerequisite to a disaster._

He sat down on his bed. Evan stood there, staring at the ground almost as if nervous to be nosy.

“Uh-Um, nice room.”

“Thanks.” Connor sighed. There was an awkward silence. “Look, I wanna tell you something before someone at dinner brings it up- um, I’m gay.” He blurted out. _Nice way to show him how much of a freak you are._

Evan stared for a moment and then nodded. “Oh, okay.”

“Okay?”

“Well, um…” Evan began. “I don’t like, mind that you’re um, gay. I’m fine with it- not that you need my permission I just-”

Connor nodded, able to breathe a little easier. “Okay.”

Cynthia’s voice sounded from the kitchen downstairs. “Dinner is ready!”

_Shit._ Every ounce of relief Connor might’ve felt left his body. He nodded at Evan, and lead him downstairs.

Zoe and Larry were already at the dinner table, an extra chair placed beside Connor’s usual. Looking at Evan, he noticed that the boy was already sweating bullets as they stood in the doorway.

Larry noticed first. “Come sit down, Connor and0 you haven’t introduced your friend.”

“This is Evan,” Connor mumbled, taking the spot closest to the door and across from Zoe.

Cynthia stepped in with a bowl of gluten-free pasta in hand. She set it down with an obviously fake smile, sitting down beside Zoe and setting the pasta down. “Lovely to meet you, Evan.”

“Oh, uh-um. Nice to m-meet you too, Mr and Mrs.-”

“Please, call us Cynthia and Larry.” Larry chuckled awkwardly. _One big happy family, if it weren’t for the goddamn eyesore of a son._

Evan nodded, a nervous fake smile on his face that Connor was pretty sure everyone could see through.

They all got their own helpings of pasta, and Evan turned red as he fumbled with the big spoon. Connor mainly pushed his food around the plate.The table was silent aside from the scraping of forks.

“So, Evan,” Larry began. _Round one._ “How did you become, er… _Friends_ with my son?” There was a tone in his voice that told Connor that he still didn’t believe it.

Evan chewed his food for longer than necessary, looking at Connor with panic. Sighing deeply, Connor raised an eyebrow and hoped that Evan wouldn’t tell the _whole_ truth, the one where Connor brought Evan to the hospital -after seeing him try to kill himself- and then left him there without a ride.

“Oh, um. Well, I was- I was working at the- um, at the state park, the one like f-fifty minutes from here- As a junior park ranger actually, I um, I know a l-lot about trees- and Connor was there one day and I, um, I had seen him at s-school and um, well, we became friends.” Connor relaxed after Evan finished his ramble, hoping that his family didn’t delve deeper into the subject.

“Oh, well that’s interesting!” Cynthia offered an encouraging smile, and Larry grunted.

“So,” Larry started again. “Did you _really_ skip with Connor yesterday?”

Evan flushed, embarrassed. “Oh. Um, well, uh, yeah.”

“Where did you two go?”

“We, um, well, I-”

“The park.” Connor interrupted, tapping the side of Evan’s leg with his foot.

Larry glared. “Thanks, _Evan._ ”

“D-dinner is lovely, Mrs.- Um, C-Cynthia,” Evan said a little too loudly.  Connor noticed that he had barely eaten the pasta on his plate.

“Why thank you, Evan. You’re welcome to have more!”

“What did you two do?” Larry asked.

“Well, um…” Evan fiddled with the ends of his shirt. Connor noticed he was tapping his foot so that he seemed to be shaking like a chihuahua. “I like to um, c-climb trees and th-there were a lot of trees at the, um, the park, so we- we climbed trees.”

Connor clenched his jaw. _Jesus Christ, it’s like they’re interviewing him for a job. They’re gonna scare him off before you ever could._

Zoe interrupted what Connor could only guess was Cynthia about to say something fake nice about how _lovely_ that must’ve been. “Hey Evan, Do you still go to school with a kid named Ethan _?”_

The table went quiet.

“You know he switched schools after freshman year, _Zoe,”_ Connor answered calmly, his body language betraying his thoughts on the subject.

“How convenient.” Zoe sat back and crossed her arms, a smile playing on her lips at her brother's tense expression.

“ _Fuck you, Zoe.”_ Connor snapped.

“Language, Connor!” Cynthia looked appalled.

Cynthia cleared her throat, plastering on another fake smile. “So, Evan. Any plans for college?”

“W-well, I um, I want to go into some environmental science classes or s-something.” Evan sat up nervously. “But I’ll, um, I’ll probably h-have to take some time off um, after school to s-save up for classes.” Near the end, he was mumbling and picking at his cast.

“Maybe you should take Connor’s college fund. It isn’t like he’s going to use it anyway.” Zoe had her eyes narrowed at Evan, and the boy fidgeted more.

“ _Zoe!”_ Cynthia said, exasperated.

Larry mumbled something that Connor almost swore sounded like “It’s true.”, and turned to Evan. “So, Evan, are you in a relationship?” _Oh, great. Everyone except Evan knows exactly where this is going. It was fun while it lasted. At least it wasn’t you being a fucking psycho that scared him off this time._

“Um- No,” Evan blushed, suddenly interested in his pasta.

“Have you ever been in a relationship?”

Evan shifted in his chair. “N-no.”

“Do you like girls, or, er- boys?”

Connor huffed loudly. “Larry, if you’re gonna ask him if he’s fucking gay- or fucking _me_ , just ask already.”

“Excuse you.” Larry snapped.

“Actually, _can I_ be excused? This dinner was a fucking shitty idea in the first place, and I’d rather not sit here while you find twenty different ways to ask if my newest _friend_ is secretly my boyfriend.” Connor got up.

“I’m just trying to figure out if Evan’s parents fucked up raising him the same way we apparently did.”

Blood boiling, Connor resisted the urge to flip the table and instead stomped out. Before he even knew it -he might’ve even blacked out for a second- he was upstairs and throwing everything he could get his hands on. From the corner of his eye, he noticed Evan nervously standing in the door frame. _He’s about to tell you that he agrees, and that he hates you and he doesn’t want to be your friend and he’s scared of you, look he’s fucking shaking, and he’s gonna tell you to fuck off, or go die, or-_

“Connor…” Evan sounded sincere and worried for his friend. Connor didn’t know when he had stopped throwing things and fallen to the floor, curled up in a ball and sobbing. HIs hand was latched so tight around his wrist that it was almost numb, and the mantra of thoughts kept repeating itself in his head like a drum. He wanted so badly to _just die already._

Evan winced. “I- I know.” He sat beside Connor, back against the taller boy’s bed. “Your, um… Your f-family is…”

‘Fucked up? Dysfunctional? Falling apart at the seams?” Connor supplied.

Evan chuckled awkwardly into the dark room.

“W-what was that question… About, um, about someone n-named Ethan?”

Connor tensed. “Um,-”

“Nonono you don’t have to tell me if it makes you uncomfortable I’m sorry I asked I’ll shut up about it.” Evan rushed out.

“No,” Connor sighed. “I’ll tell you.”

 

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

**Freshman year, 2 weeks in**

 

Connor sat at his desk, reading a book while the other students chatted animatedly.  He used to try to keep up with their banter, maybe even join. But no one wanted to be friends with the kid who lashed out sometimes, the kid who threw a printer _at a teacher._

 

Somehow, Mrs.Miller had decided that the new kid and the misfit would be _perfect_ friends.

 

Too bad she was right.

 

The raven haired kid with too many freckles stuck out his hand. “I’m Ethan.”

Connor glared at the hand, hesitating. He had dealt with bullies for years, and he knew that kids could be assholes. They were obviously trying to trick him, _right?_ He remembered a quote from the insanely assholish Jared Kleinman -who had actually been nice until he decided to be “cool”- _Nobody would ever actually want to be his friend._

 

When Ethan didn’t flinch, Connor slowly shook the hand, setting his book down for a second. “Connor.” He mumbled.

 

They sat and talked, and while Connor took a while -3 months exactly- to actually become _friends_ with Ethan, it was nice to not feel so alone anymore. And as time went on, Ethan supported Connor. Good, bad, terrible.  

 

Ethan had been there when Connor had first gotten high, even. Two kids, sitting in the treehouse that had been built long before either of them were even thought of. They laughed at things they didn’t even understand. They laughed at people at school who tried too hard. They laughed at teachers.

 

Even in the haze, Connor still blushed at the way the brown in Ethan’s eyes stood out in their small lamplight, the way his lips curved into a smile.

 

Ethan was the first crush that Connor had accepted. Not that he would tell anyone that. He had told his parents he was gay the week he realised his crush, and while it took time with everything, Connor felt as if his parents -with their shocked faces and worries about how _broken_ he was- would never accept the true way he wanted to be.

 

He started smoking sometimes without Ethan after that. Whenever he went to school high, Ethan just sighed, looking at Connor with worried eyes. “High _again?”_

Connor had just nodded.

 

It came as no big shocker when Connor’s parents wanted Ethan over for dinner often, but for some reason, _that night_ was different. He didn’t know how. As soon as they got home, Cynthia told them to wash up for dinner.  Luckily, this was before her anti-gluten phase.

 

They ate in silence, Connor talking about therapy or Ethan talking about their awesome English project. And then, in one fell swoop, everything changed.

 

“Um, dad, mom, can Ethan I go ahead upstairs? We’re done with dinner and-” Connor asked.

“You don’t plan on sleeping in the same bed, do you?” Larry interrupted. Gears were turning in his head.

“Well, um, no-”

“Why not?” Ethan interrupted, curiosity taking over the features of his face. Connor flushed a deep red, turning to his father.

Larry gave a laugh. “He didn’t tell you? Connor, “ He looked at his son.” _is gay.”_ He spat the word _gay_ as if it were venomous to think, much less speak.

 

The next moments passed by in a flash, Ethan looking terrified and calling his mom, going home, ignoring Connor’s emails for weeks. Until the breaking point.

 

A group of kids walked down the hall, laughing and talking as usual. Connor stood beside Ethan’s locker, a somber but hopeful feeling. And then he saw Ethan.

 

And Ethan’s arm. Which was linked with none other than Jared Kleinman’s.

 

“So, Connor,” Jared smirked viciously, putting an arm around Connor. “Ethan said that he had an interesting dinner at yours.”

Flushing, Connor clenched his fist and shook the arm off quickly. “Y-yeah?”

Jared got in his face. “So it’s true? Are you gay? And everything else?”

“... Everything else?” Connor asked, backing away from Jared and his terrible breath.

 

And then, Ethan spat on him. “God. I can’t believe I let you _pay_ me to be your friend for weeks.”

 

Connor barely remembered what happened next. But when he came to, he had a three-day suspension- and Ethan was no longer attending the same school.

 

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

Connor looked at Evan, not shocked to see a slight grimace. “After that… My family got even fucking worse.” He sighed bitterly. “Zoe started making fun of me every chance she got, and sometimes when I was high I would- I said some and did some really fucked up shit.”

 

Evan frowned, looking down as if both shocked and slightly afraid. “I- I’m sorry C-Connor.”

Connor shook his head. “”It’s fine. Sorry for my dad badgering you.” He grumbled.

“It’s, um, it’s okay…” Evan seemed to decide against saying something.

 

They started talking at the same time.

“Do you wanna sneak out-”

“I-I think, I-um, I’m bi.”

 

It was quiet, and Connor nodded. “Okay.”

“Uh-uh-uh-uh-um what w-were you saying?” Evan was as red as a cherry.

“I was wondering if you wanted to sneak out the window.” Below them, the sound of a plate breaking could be heard. “I think it’ll be harder if we try to sneak out the front door.”

Evan looked over at the window, and then back at Connor. “Okay.”

 

Climbing out the window, despite Evan’s cast, seemed to be the easier part.

 

Once out, Connor looked at Evan. His hair and eyes both shined in the glow of the streetlight, and despite the sheen of sweat and the dinner, he seemed up for anything. “Shit. Um, where do you wanna go?”

Evan looked down the block, the rose in his cheeks catching the light. “Oh, um- we could go to, um, m-my house?”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “Won’t your mom be home?”

“She’s- She’s been dying to um, to meet you.” Connor thought Evan mumbled something under his breath about  “she already likes you more than me.”

“Okay.” Connor sighed, grabbing his bag and Evan’s hand. “Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

 

They snuck in -this time, through the door- Evan tiptoeing upstairs and nodding behind him to signal that it was clear. The way Evan was sneaking around reminded Connor of a kid on a mission for the last cookie. He stifled a chuckle.

 

Taking Connor’s hand hesitantly, Evan lead him down the hall and closed the door as soon as they got in. It smelled like pine, and Connor was sure when he turned the light on that Evan had cleaned since last time he had been in the room.

 

“I- Um- I can- get you something to, uh, change into? Unless that’s weird, I’m sorry I just-”

“It’s fine.” Connor nodded.

 

Evan hesitated before he let go of Connor’s hand, both flushing when they realised so. “They, um, they m-might be short.” He handed Connor a clean pair of pyjamas.

 

Connor nodded, standing there expectantly for a second. “Um-”

“Oh, y-yeah, shit sorry. You h-have to change I’m an idiot I’m sorry I’ll w-wait outside.” Evan rushed out, closing the door behind him.

 

Connor changed into the pyjama pants, eyeing the t-shirt anxiously. Finally, he sighed and placed it on the dresser, keeping his hoodie on. “You can come in.” When Evan stepped in, he furrowed his eyebrows at the shirt but didn’t press it, laying down on the bed silently.

 

Connor laid on the floor with a sigh, looking at the ceiling. Evan looked at him. “Um, y-you can have the bed.”

“No way.” Connor scoffed. “It’s your bed, and after that wreck of a fucking dinner… I’ve got the floor.”

Evan sighed. “Do you um… Do you just want to share?”

 

Connor hesitated but got on the bed anyway. It was a small twin meaning that with Connor’s height and the headboard,  his feet stuck out on the end. Despite this, it was comfortable. Evan turned to the side, his back facing Connor.

 

Connor stared at the ceiling and tried his best to go to sleep.

 

He didn’t.

 

* * *

 

Connor decided to get up when the sun shone through the windows and he heard clanging in the kitchen.

 

Pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down, he slowly got up and lightly took Evan’s arm off of around him -the boy had latched onto him in sleep- and crossed the room, hesitantly heading downstairs.

 

A blonde woman was in the kitchen, getting out the supplies to make what seemed to be pancakes. “Evan? Is that y-” She stopped, looking at him confusedly. “Um?”

“Oh,” _shit. She probably thinks you broke in, you look fucking creepy enough to._ _You ARE creepy enough to._ “I’m, um, I’m...” _Not good with parents. At all.”_ I’m Connor. Evan’s friend.” He reached out a hand hesitantly, offering it to shake.

 

Heidi broke out into a smile, taking his hand. “Oh, Connor! So nice to meet you! I keep telling Evan he should invite you over for dinner one night, but you know how Evan is…” She chuckled.

 

Connor nodded, trying not to seem surprised or insulted by the fact that his only friend had never even mentioned inviting him over before that point. _Maybe he’s embarrassed by you._ His mind supplied.

 

“Anyway. Do you like pancakes? I can always whip up something else.” Heidi said, motioning to the small stove.

“Pancakes are good.” He nodded, sitting down at the table. “Um, do you need any help?”

“No need, you’re a guest!” Heidi smiled.

 

He heard shifting and looked over. Evan stood in the kitchen doorway, his hair messed up and his face confused. He rubbed his eyes, looking between Connor and Heidi. Connor looked him up and down, chuckling at the Superman pants he had on and blushing when he met Evan’s eyes.

 

“Oh! Evan! Morning.” Heidi said, and Evan looked over to her instead.

“Um… M-Morning? Mom, don’t you have work?”

“Oh, no, some scheduling error. I figured I’d make you breakfast, I haven’t done that in a while! And your friend Connor just introduced himself, _since you haven’t_.” There was a hint of a question in her voice as she flipped the pancake.

 

Evan sighed, sitting down. “I’ve been meaning to, you just- you haven’t been home.” He looked down at that last word.

 

While Heidi gave out pancakes and syrup, Connor’s phone buzzed.

 

**32 Unread Messages**

 

He scrolled through, tensing more and more. The family group chat that Cynthia had made was full of messages about him leaving. He noticed Larry’s name was absent in the conversation. He went to personal message with Zoe, sighing.

 

 **Zoe M:** **Dad says he’s calling the cops if you don’t get home soon.**

  1. **Murphy:** **I’m fine. Fuck off.**



 

He didn’t want to bother the Hansens, but he had realised whilst he read that he couldn’t go home. That he didn’t _have_ a home anymore, as far as he was concerned. _It’s not like they want you back. They’ll probably celebrate when you finally off yourself._ He tried to shake himself out of his thoughts as he caught Evan’s slightly worried eyes and watched him talk with Heidi. He noticed Evan’s subtle smile and the way he was more animated and stuttered less when he was somewhere he felt more relaxed. He realised with a jolt that Evan had been the same way at the orchard, and while he didn’t mind Evan’s stuttering, it was… Nice.

 

**Zoe M:** **Mom says that we should walk to the Hansens’ if you’re not home in an hour.**

 

He choked on his pancakes, waving off Heidi and Evan with a strangled -and embarrassed- “I’m fine.”  He had to get out of there before Heidi or Evan witnessed how Larry could get, or learned just how fucked up Connor was.

**C. Murphy:** **Not at Hansen’s. Don’t look for me.**

 

“It’s, um, thank you. For letting me stay.” He flushed. “But my mom needs help with something, so I should probably go.” He avoided Evan’s stare, hoping that Heidi didn’t catch the obvious lie.

She hesitantly smiled. “Well, okay! I hope Evan invites you back soon, I’m so glad he’s found a great fri-”

Evan cut her off with a blush, groaning “ _Mom.”_  He looked over to Connor, who was still avoiding his eyes. “I’ll-um- I’ll see you at s-school?”

 

Connor nodded and gave a quick wave. Stepping out the door, he wondered where he could go.

 

The walk was far, but at least the orchard had an old unlocked shed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, tell me what you liked/hated, or even drop a comment with your favourite item off your bucket list (if you have one.) ((mine is either: -go to pride OR -get published as an author !!))


	10. Come To Get Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES HELLO I was going to post this yesterday but I got sidetracked with birthday shit (ya girl is 16 B) )
> 
> S/O to failedfalencho just because she's the most amazing person ever and S/O to the person who yelled at me on another person's fic to update this (commented as a guest under the name Butterflyveinn???) also updates SHOULD be regular now!!! I'll try my best 
> 
> Also, the end of chapter 9 where Connor goes to the orchard instead of home was supposed to be angst but you meme loving fucks were too busy calling him out for lying about being at the Hansens' and I'm not even mad
> 
> aLSO WARNINGS: underage drinking (if that bothers y'all), a bit of drinking and driving (no one gets hurt tho), sexual harassment (a forced kiss but ye)

Evan sat by the phone on Sunday night, anxiously watching his messaging app. 

 

**Evan:** Hey

**Evan:** Connor arr you tHere

**Evan:** Sorry I ddin’t introducE my mom I shoudlve woken up earlier

**Evan:** Sorry I’ll lEave you allone

**Evan:** DId I do sometting?

 

Evan hated the feeling of clinginess and worry that had rooted itself since Connor had stopped answering.  _ He probably realised you’re not worth talking to. You probably said something wrong, or maybe your mom did something before you got downstairs. The first actual friend you've had and you’ve managed to fuck everything up. Wow. _

 

He felt sick as he laid down that night. 

 

**Evan:** Are you okay? 

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Evan woke up late. Rushing out the door ten minutes after he woke up, he got into Jared’s car and slammed the door. 

“So,” Jared said as soon as he got in, surprisingly not commenting on the fact that his text had been the one to wake Evan up that morning. “There’s a house party this Friday, and you’re coming whether you want to or not.” 

Evan paled, turning to face the shorter driver. “R-Really Jared? Crowds?” He felt his palms sweating. 

“C’mon Hansen, you’ve been  _ fine. _ Nothing wrong with rewarding yourself.”

He sighed. Truthfully, he hadn’t been  _ fine _ , Jared just had not been there to see him panic every single time he thought about talking to someone. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but the only reason he hadn’t had a panic attack one of the past few nights was that he had taken his meds in advance so he wouldn’t freak Connor out, especially when his friend stayed the night.  “That’s-That’s not a reward, Jared. I don’t like crowds, and-”

“You do like drinking though, remember? You  _ used to _ drink with me all the time.” Evan knew that Jared was referring to his new friendship with Connor. “You’re going to that party.” 

Evan mumbled a nervous “okay…” as he jumped out of Jared’s car. 

Rummaging through his locker, he spotted Connor quickly and soon creased his eyebrows in worry. His friend had his bag slung carelessly over his shoulder, and looked as if he had gone into a dusty attic to look for something right before he left for school. 

“Hey?” Evan said, looking his friend in the eyes. It didn’t seem like Connor was high, but he did have heavy bags under his eyes. 

“Morning.” He grumbled. 

“Uh- Um, is everything o-okay? You just- You didn’t text back and I wanted to ask- That’s probably weird n-nevermind I just-”  _ He’s gonna notice how clingy and annoying of a friend you are. He’s gonna realise he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore any minute now if he hasn’t already. _

“Yeah.” Connor gave a half smile that Evan could tell was fake just by seeing that it didn’t meet his friend’s eyes. “I just, you know. Didn’t charge my phone.” He shrugged, looking away from Evan and refusing to catch his eye again. The bell rang as he kicked at a pencil on the ground. “Well, I should go.” He turned, walking away. Out of the corner of his eye, Evan spotted Zoe rushing to catch up to Connor. 

Evan couldn’t help the feeling that again crept up into his chest, the feeling that said that  _ something _ was wrong. 

* * *

 

 

`The rest of the week went the same way -except for a terrifying and confusing  occurrence in which Zoe quizzed him about where her brother was on Wednesday and sped away when he said he didn’t know anything (to which Connor shrugged off questions about)- And Connor seemed to have been avoiding him in general, only occasionally texting him back but assuring him that he had done nothing wrong. 

Happy to finally be at home, Evan groaned when his phone went off ten minutes after he fell onto his bed. 

**Jared:** Yo

**Jared:**  I’m pckng u ^ @ 7

**Evan:** ?

**Jared:** Hnsn

**Jared:** M bddy

**Jared:** T prty

_ Oh. _ Evan groaned again into his pillow, a wave of anxiety shooting through him.  He had totally forgotten about the party, mainly due to Connors odd behaviour. 

**Evan:** I cantt go IM sick

**Jared:** Liesss

**Evan:**  My momm said icouldn’t

**Jared:** If I ctully thot tht ws tru Id fel bd fr tllng u 2 snk out 

Breathing heavily at the mere thought of going, he took one of his pills.  _ If you don’t go Jared will probably tell your mom that you’re not better and then she’ll schedule more appointments and look at you with that sad look and you’ll be even more of a burden and then everyone will think you’re a freak. _

**Evan:** finr

 

* * *

 

 

Jared was fifteen minutes late as if that were any warning of how their night would go. 

“Get in loser!” Jared shouted out the window as Evan walked down the narrow walkway, going through a mental checklist. 

_Phone?_ He patted his jacket pocket and nodded to himself. _Check._ _Charger? Yes. Keys? Good._

_ Genuine enthusiasm? Nope. _

yHe got into Jared’s -lovably ugly- minivan and sighed as he buckled up.

“Are you ready for our first party of senior year?!” Jared asked, pulling away over the curb with a  _ bump _ .

“No.” 

“C’mon,” He whined, drawing out the ‘o’ sound. “It’s your first party of the- of the ever!” 

“Are you… Are you  _ drunk?!” _

“Buzzed.” Jared cackled. “Just a little pre-partying.” He swerved slightly, and Evan felt as if his heart would explode. “I’m saying at Jake’s tonight, I’ll be  _ fine.”  _

“Jared!” Evan yelled, a chorus of  _ ohgodyou’regonnadie  _ going off in his head. He tried to ignore the part of his brain that was fine with that fact and even wanted it. “Let me drive, please!” 

His stomach lurched as Jared pulled into a driveway fast. He looked over at the house, the loud music echoing down the street and cars everywhere in the parking lot. “We’re here anyway, let’s go have some big fun,” Jared said. 

As he followed Jared inside, he had the feeling that it would be the opposite. 

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as they walked in, Jared had handed Evan a stereotypical red cup filled with an amber liquid that Evan  _ definitely _ did not want to drink. Jared chugged his in seconds, and in a flash -more like a terrifying scream from one of the back rooms that caught Evan’s attention for just a moment- he was gone. 

He stood around, cringing as he sipped at the drink and looking for any sign of the friend who had disappeared. Even worse, he felt eyes on him from every corner and silently prayed to anything Jewish that he looked busy enough pretending to check a text on his phone. 

Apparently, luck wasn’t on his side. An  _ obviously _ drunk girl -who Evan was about positive would never approach him sober- approached him, smiling and giggling. He finished his beer hesitantly.

“Hey,” She drew out the ‘ey’ sound with an defined slur. Evan thought she smelled kind of like something he had smelled in Connor’s car, doubled with an obvious scent of alcohol.  _ You’d rather have Connor here.  _ He thought, and was confused at the flush that went to his cheeks. He stayed quiet, hoping that his silence would somehow tell her -politely- that he didn’t want to, and really couldn’t talk to her. 

“You-” She hiccupped. “You come here often?” 

“Uh-”  _ You can’t even fucking speak right.  _ “Um, Um, not exactly, y-you see my friend- His name is J-Jared I don’t know where he went- he brought me- brought me here and he kind of disappeared on me so-” 

Something had stopped his embarrassing word vomit. Something soft and-  _ Ohmygod she’s kissing you she’s definitely drunk _ and she was pressed against him. He couldn’t breathe, be it from the tongue shoved down his throat or the fact that her hands were on his chest and he was against the wall, and he  _ couldn’t get out. _ Judging by the fact that he was getting dizzier, he knew that he was panicking and it only got worse the more he thought about it.  _ Trapped, you can’t escape, you can’t escape everyone knows you’re lucky that someone even thinks youre desirable enough to kiss its no shock that they had to be drunk and what if she wants more than kissing and I can’t breathe oh god _ \- He was starting to see spots. 

He pushed the random girl off, fighting the vomit coming up his throat at the taste of whatever alcohol was on the random girl’s lips. He needed to leave then. He had to find somewhere to ‘freak out’, as Jared called it, to panic and cry or whatever, he  _ needed _ to go home. Where was Jared?

He knocked on the closed bathroom door. Maybe he could panic in there? 

The only thing he got in reply was the sound of sniffling and the shout of “no, you can’t come in!” 

“Oh-um-okay sorry…” He stumbled off.

How he ended up near the fire pit outside, sitting on the ground, was a mystery to him. He figured he had probably blacked out considering his breath was steadier and he seemed to have calmed in the short time span. 

He got up, noticing the familiar face he had been looking for the entire night standing among a few of the more popular boys. 

“Rich, you should set a fire!” Jared exclaimed drunkenly. 

Everyone turned to him while Evan simply stared confusedly at the group. 

“Too soon?” He slurred. 

Evan turned, deciding it was best to leave them alone. He considered going back into the house, but was shaken up at the thought of even seeing the girl again. It had been a heinous night, and he didn’t want to stay there any longer than he could. He barely realised he was shaking more than normal until he tried to fumble out a quick text to the only person he could think of. 

**Evan:** Hhey

Surprisingly, he got an almost immediate response.

 

**C. Murphy:** Sup.

**Evan:** I’m ssory forr asking but can u c[me ad gt me? Im @ a part/ and Jarrd is my ridebut hes drubk

A second after he hit ‘send’, Connor was calling him. 

“Where is the party?” Connor asked with a sigh. Evan thought he heard sounds of leaves or some insect, but figured it was just his mind playing tricks on him or even his end. 

“U-um… I- I think J-Jared mentioned some-something about a girl named… A girl named… s-shit.” He tried to remember and he paced.

“That’s a weird name.” He wondered if it was normal to be imagining the exact smirk that his friend was most likely wearing. 

“Sh-shut up.” He mumbled with a flush. “It- It was talked about at- at school. S-some girl name Susie or C-Cindy?” 

“I think I heard something about that. I have to stop by my h-” Connor paused. “I’ll be there soon.”

“O-Okay…”

“Evan.” Connor had an odd tone to his voice.

“Y-yeah?” 

“Be careful.” He hung up, leaving Evan overthinking both why his friend felt the need to say that, and why those two words made him blush even harder. 

Jared drifted over. “Who was that on the phone?” He slung an arm around Evan, smelling like he had drunk an entire liquor store. “Your  _ boyfriend _ ?” He slurred. 

“It-It was Connor. He’s picking me up. “ 

“So, he  _ is _ your boyfriend!” Jared tightened his arm. “Never thought you’d get one before I did.” 

“J-Jared,” Evan shook his arm off, making a mental note to ask his friend about what he had said. “You’re d-drunk. As hell.” 

Jared just giggled, settling at the ground by Evan’s feet. 

“Are you- Are you gonna be okay? If I l-leave?” 

“Nooo,” Jared groaned, hugging his legs.

“You’re staying with J-Jake though,” Evan sighed. “What am I supposed to-”

“I payed Jaked to let me stay,” Jared giggled, sitting up enough to drink the beer he had. “I had to _pay_ him…” He trailed off, and Evan noticed that his friend had gone from giggling to sad in a few seconds. He stared at the ground, picking at the grass. “I had to pay him…” 

Evan sat down, helplessly trying to figure out how to cheer his friend up. It seemed like Jared had forgotten he was there, quietly sniffling to himself. 

“Oh, um, uh, shit. D-do you- do you need anything?” Evan asked as Jared slumped forward onto the ground.

“Mmph.”

“What?” 

Jared lifted his head up with a sigh. “Beer.” And then fell back onto the ground face forward.

He looked towards the house nervously, and instead opted to just grab one of the beers that someone had set down and most likely forgotten by the fire pit. 

“H-Here.” 

Jared grunted, taking the beer and chugging it quickly. Evan had forgotten how weird Jared was when he was drunk. He was actually nice, even if he was sad. Luckily, it seemed the prospect of another drink had gotten rid of his earlier sorrow as he got up.

Evan’s phone rang. 

“Hel-Hello?”

“I’m outside. Jeez, Jared sure gets invited to some crazy fucking parties.” Connor seemed slightly annoyed but entertained. 

“Yeah… He, um, I think he just s-sort of invited himself?” 

Connor chuckled dryly. “ _ Of course _ he did.” 

Evan ignored Jared’s protests as he got to his feet. “Um, I’m- shit.” He dropped his beer, narrowly missing Jared. “I’m in the backyard.” 

“Do you need me to come and find you? Because while I just love parties, I’d rather not deal with the drunk football player that’s harassing people at the door.” 

“I’ll- I’ll come and find you.” Evan sighed, starting towards the door.  He ignored Jared whining for him to come back. 

He pushed through the heavily intoxicated crowd, stepping over someone’s throw up and trying -failing- to avoid a girl spilling her beer. He stepped out into the cool air, looking around. 

Connor gave a small wave, and his face turned sour as he looked behind his friend. 

Jared was staggering behind Evan, somehow having attained another beer in the process of following his friend. “Evan, don’t leave me!” He cried.  _ He only likes you when he’s drunk. But who would like you sober? _

“Go inside J-Jared. You’re staying with- With Jake.”

“I paid for you too, asshole.” Jared sighed. 

Evan stepped back, confused and surprised. 

“Look,” Connor sighed. “While that’s touching, we should probably go. My parents don’t know I- Don’t know I took the car.” He ran a hand through his hair, a nervous yet edged tone to his words. 

“Fuck off, Connor!” Jared yelled, putting his arms around an awkwardly standing Evan, who noticed the small crowd they were attracting. 

“Jared, please-”

“No, Evan, I… Stay here.” He drew out the ‘e’. 

Connor looked between the two, clenching his jaw. “Look, my parents are probably going to think that someone stole my car.” He looked at Evan. “You coming or not?” 

Evan broke away from Jared, hesitantly stepping towards Connor. His friend stuck his hands in his pockets and began walking with Evan slightly staggering behind. 

“Fuck you, Evan!” Jared called, following them.

“J-Jared.” 

“Come with me!”  Jared was pulling him by the arm that was in a cast, and he tried to ignore the pain shooting through his arm as a result. 

“N-No, I don’t want to go back, I don’t like parties, I- I hate parties, and you know that so I don’t know why you even brought me.” 

Jared relented pulling, as Evan barely budged. “Fine. Go with the psychopath who can’t control himself. I’ll be sure to speak at your fucking funeral.” 

“Jared,” Evan said anxiously, as his family friend got in Connor’s face. Connor stared back tensely, the look in his eye reminding Evan of a threatened animal. 

“Or- Or, wait,” He laughed. “I’ll just start the betting pool at who he offs first: You, Zoe,  _ or himself! _ ”  

Jared’s drunken laughter was cut off by Connor sending a fist flying into his face. Connor looked down at him, and then to Evan, and stomped away. Evan got a sense of deja vu as he followed him. 

Connor sighed when they got a block over. “Is that why you fucking called me?” He called over his shoulder.

Evan frowned. “What? I h-had no idea that Jared- that Jared would-”

“Let me guess.” Connor stopped, whipping around to face him. He was close enough that Evan could see his eyes were red-rimmed, but devoid of the haze they got when he was high. “You thought it would be hilarious to call me and show everyone how you’re friends with the fucking nut case! You called so I could freak out, and then everyone could see me go crazy on another outcast-” 

“Connor-”

He stopped at a familiar car. “You wanted to- to prove how easy I was to trick.” He started looking through his keys.

Evan stepped towards Connor, close enough that when their eyes met he could feel Connor’s breath. “Connor... Why- Why would I um, do that? You’re- You’re my only genuine friend.” 

Connor stared at him for at least a minute, locked in what Evan felt was a staring contest to prove the integrity of his words. Apparently, what he said was good enough, as Connor’s eyes softened.

“Evan... I, um.” Connor looked down. 

Evan continued staring, his mind still fuzzy from earlier. He couldn’t help but notice the way the street light glinted in his friend’s hair, or how his cheeks had turned a light red and the soft breaths coming from him were faster than usual from being upset just minutes before. And Evan didn’t know who initiated it -or if the alcohol he had had had anything to do with it- but he and Connor were kissing, and Connor had a hand on his chin, and it was odd and hazy but it was kind of nice. 

Until the reality of the situation set in. 

He pulled away from Connor, his breaths coming short as if he were wearing a shirt six sizes too small.  _ What kind of freak kisses their friend? Oh yeah, the same one who can’t handle being at a party for more than an hour without wanting to cry. Oh great, are you cying now? Jeez, you can barely function.  _

Connor stood there, almost in awe. “Oh.”

“I, um- I’m so, I- I’m- I’m so sorry I’ll just g-go back to-” 

“ _ Breathe. _ ” Connor guided him to the passenger side, letting him sit. “Do you, um, do you still- Do you want a ride?” He asked awkwardly. 

Evan nodded, trying to breathe but failing still. He didn’t realise how heavily he was breathing until he tried to buckle, swaying as he grasped for a seatbelt that became blurry. 

“Woah,” Connor sighed. “How much did you drink?” 

Evan was too focused on the storm inside his head to answer.  _ You’re gonna throw up in Connor’s car. Right after you kissed him or he kissed you and God you’re such a mess. You can’t even be happy without fucking it up for yourself and he’s gonna fucking hate you and why did you even want to kiss him in the first place you’re not gay- _

“Evan?” Connor asked, sounding like he was speaking through a tube. “Shit, um. Take this and breathe into it, just breathe with me.” He clumsily shoved a paper bag into Evan’s hands, taking more pronounced breaths as he rounded a turn. 

_ Breathe. God, you’re such a burden that he even has to breathe for you. It’ll be surprising if he ever talks to you again after this.  _ Regardless of the mess going on in his head, he tried to breathe along with Connor into the bag. It was actually helping. 

The car was quiet, save for the light sounds of guitar from the radio. 

“Listen,” Connor finally sighed. “I can’t take you home like this. You’re either drunk or you had three fucking beers spilled on you, and anyone within a five foot radius will be able to tell.”  _ He probably hopes you’re drunk, because you’re too disgusting for him to want the kiss to mean anything.  _

“B-Both? Kinda…”

“What?”

“I’m b-buzzed? And some people, um- Some people spilled on me.” 

Connor nodded and sighed as if he had lost an argument. “Anyway, I guess we can go to my house.” He grumbled. 

“No! I mean,” Evan looked down. “I- I can just go home… My- My mom will probably be h-home by now so I can just, um, sneak in Idontwanttoinconvenienceyou”   _ He’s only being nice. You’ve scared him off. You’re all alone and it’s all your fault all your fault all your fault and then you ruined the dinner the other day and they don’t want you back because you fuck everything up. _

Connor looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Look, I don’t wanna go back either. I-um, I haven’t been back.” 

It was tensely silent for a beat, in which Connor seemed just as shocked as Evan at his own admittance.

“Wh- Uh- Um- Uh- W-What the fuck do you- What the fuck do you mean you haven’t been back?!” Evan’s voice came out in a slight squeak, and he turned to Connor worriedly. 

“I’ve been sleeping somewhere else. Look-”

“Where- um, where have you b-been sleeping?” 

“It’s no big deal-” 

“ _ Connor.” _

Connor mumbled something, and Evan hoped it was because of that that he heard what he did. 

“What?”

“The fucking orchard, okay?! There’s a shed, and sometimes I sneak into my house to get clothes or some food. I haven’t seen Larry, or my mom, or- Or Zoe, outside of school.” Connor’s voice held a slight pain behind it’s edge. 

Evan was quiet.  _ This is all your fault. If you hadn’t gone over to his house he wouldn’t have had to have dinner, and they wouldn’t have fought, and Connor would be safe and at home, _

“Please don’t have another panic attack.” Connor sounded slightly annoyed, but worried. 

“I- I kind of c-can’t fucking help it.” Evan snapped, wincing afterwards. “S-sorry.” 

Connor chuckled. “It’s okay.” 

He pulled into his driveway with a sigh. “Window?” 

 

* * *

 

 

Connor’s room had been cleaned since they had left, and surprisingly his door was back. After Connor -slightly panicked- made sure his stash was still there, he looked over to a still standing Evan. “You know, you’ve been here before. You can sit down.” 

Evan nodded, hesitantly sitting on the bed. He watched Connor dig through the drawers, his head finally beginning to clear up. “Connor?” 

“Mhm?”

“Th-Thank you for picking me up. And-And I’m sorry that Jared was a d-dick.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Connor sighed, throwing him some pajamas. “That’s what f- what friends are for.” 

Evan nodded. “Um, I’m- I’m also sorry for, um, for- forkissingyou.” 

Connor raised an eyebrow, staring at him with an odd look on his face. After a few seconds, he shook his head. “No need to apologize. I have to shower, and if you need one you can take it next. If not, just go ahead and sleep.” 

Evan nodded, laying back on Connor’s bed nervously. 

By the time Connor came back into the room, Evan was half asleep, barely moving over on Connor’s bed so that his friend was constantly touching shoulders with him. As he drifted off, his mind gave him one very confusing thought to look back on:  _ Why did Connor kiss back? _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop there it is 
> 
> Your fave is problematic (Evan): Gets upset when someone force kisses him but kisses his best friend randomly
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! Please comment what you liked, hated, or even a rant about your favourite character/musical and why you love them!!!!


	11. NOT A CHAPTER **IMPORTANT**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up kiddos I'm about to make an important announcement

Hello!

 

So,,, this isn't a chapter (fucking obvs) but I wanted to address some shit that would be too much and most likely disregarded in a beginning/end not, so here goes:

 

  * Did I Make a Sound WILL NOT have a happy ending.



 

I felt the need to tell you guys this. 

No, its definitely not all angst (I love you guys too much to make you suffer THAT much) buuut, most of you probably wont be satisfied with the ending and, there are some (possibly) triggering events? Leading to our next point:

 

  * There WILL be death. (probably not in the way all of you are thinking.)



 

I have been alerted by some commenters that this triggers them, and I wanted to put that out there because I love and care for all of you, even those who didn't see that in the tags. 

Finally,

 

  * IF it is wanted (comment below please!!!) I can make a separate ending that excludes the chapters including all of the leftover death and angst and etc



 

I cannot promise that it will all be happy (its me we're talking about here) but it might be a nice alternative.

I will delete this chapter after I finish the fic most likely, and I'll be updating ASAP! Thanks to everyone who has read and commented and given support thus far!!!! Please don't hate me! <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Got what you wanted? Now fuck off.” Connor tried to close his door, stopped again by his sister’s foot.   
> “Connor-”  
> “I said fuck off, Zoe!”   
> “I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo if anyone figures out my writing schedule/style just lemme know
> 
> Grammarly took away my formatting and shit so I just went without because I can't put the extension on my chrome currently. 
> 
> I swear I'mma start updating more, I've finally gotten used to school

Connor woke up in his own bed for the first time since the previous Saturday, except this time he had a hard cast settled on his stomach and a -usually anxious, but now somewhat  _ beautiful _ in a state of peaceful sleep- boy cuddled against his side. It was actually kind of serene with the birds chirping, and the blond occasionally snuggling closer, and- 

 

He shook that thought away so hard that Evan woke up, slowly blinking in shock. He seemed to realise where he was, though, and jumped so much that he would’ve fallen off the bed had Connor not grabbed his arm. 

 

Connor ignored the flush on Evan’s -and his own- cheeks, and got up. He crossed the room, opening his bedroom door and stepping out. 

 

Zoe was at her own bedroom door, yawning and showing the obvious signs of a hangover.  _ Time to get some well deserved revenge.  _

 

“ _ Hey  _ Zoe!” Connor exclaimed with a fake happiness, knowing that his parents were most likely downstairs. “Did you have fun at that  _ party _ last night? What did mom and Lar-Dad think you were doing?” 

“Oh. You’re home.” She groaned, holding her head.

“Temporarily, yeah. Sadly. Don’t worry though, I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ll start planning my next attempt ASAP.”

 

She glared at him, jumping when her eyes shifted over to his door. Evan was standing in the doorframe with a puzzled and tired expression, and  _ Jesus it was kind of cute to see him in Connor’s pyjamas.  _

 

Zoe glanced between them, snorting. “Fucking knew it.” She left to go downstairs, leaving an annoyed Connor and a -still very confused- Evan.

 

They made the eye contact that Connor had been trying to ignore due to a slight flush, and Evan’s stomach growled. Connor sighed. “Breakfast?” 

“Oh- You don’t have to, I-I um, I can just, um- I can g-go home-”

 

Connor rolled his eyes, wordlessly grabbing Evan’s hand and leading him downstairs. 

  
  


When they got to the doorway of the kitchen, Connor stiffened at the sound of his mother’s voice. 

 

“Connor! You’re home!” She smiled a smile that Connor couldn’t tell if it were fake or not- approaching them. His grip on Evan’s hand tightened, and Cynthia looked between them. “Oh! Evan honey, it’s lovely to have you here. I made some waffles-”

“They’re gluten and sugar free, run while you still can.” Zoe groaned drowsily from the table. 

 

Connor let go of his friends hand, ignoring the subtle sadness that overtook him. He nodded, and Evan slowly approached the table. 

 

Cynthia pulled him to the side. “Connor, honey, I-”

“I’m not staying.” He sighed.

She frowned. “That’s not what I was going to say, but I will say that your father-”

“Can’t accept me for who I am, that’s for damn sure.”

Cynthia sighed, exasperated. “What I was saying was, I accept you, but I don’t feel comfortable with you bringing boys home and- and into your room.” She had a weird look in her eye.

 

There was a beat, and Connor tried to figure out what his mother was implying. She was fine when he had a crush on Ethan, and he stayed over all the t-  _ Oh. _ Connor felt his face heat up. 

 

“Are you… Implying that I brought Evan home to  _ sleep with him _ ?” 

Cynthia was flushing, almost but not quite as brightly as her son. “Well, honey, you’re a growing boy and I-”

“Mom, no. Evan’s just- Evan’s not- Evan isn’t into me.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. 

 

_ Why would she even think that someone like Evan would end up with someone like you? He’d end up being scared of you. You would break him. You would fuck up somehow, and Evan would realise that he could do so much better and- Why are you even thinking about a relationship with Evan? You’re definitely gonna scare him off.  _

 

There was a silence. 

 

“Where have you been?” Cynthia asked softly. 

“No where.” 

“Connor-”

“I’m not telling you where, okay?” Connor insisted, ignoring the hurt flinch his mother gave. “Because then  _ Larry _ will ask and you’ll tell him and then you guys will come riding up to the or- to the place.” He crossed his arms, looking at the ground as he spoke. 

“Your father cares about you.”

“That’s what you say every time he threatens to send me to some kind of retreat instead of a fucking rehab. It’s the same thing you said when he took my fucking door away.” His tone was hurt but resigned, and Cynthia looked down. “I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible.” 

He turned to walk away, stopped by his mother’s hand on his shoulder. “I love you, Connor.” 

His icy glare softened for a second, but he shook his head.  _ If she really loved you she would’ve fought for you, she would’ve tried to help you. She doesn’t want you to get better.  _  “I love you too,  _ Cynthia. _ ” He turned away from his mother’s shocked and hurt face, walking to the breakfast table and ignoring the stab of guilt in the pit of his stomach. 

 

He sat beside Evan, chewing on one of the cardboard-esque waffles in silence. Larry seemed to be on his email, Zoe seemed to be trying not to fall asleep, and Evan seemed to be done with breakfast -if he had even eaten. Connor considered finishing breakfast early enough so that he could pack his stuff and get out. 

 

Larry looked up as Connor sat. “Both of you are grounded.” He grunted, going back to his phone nonchalantly. 

 

Connor nodded. He was used to this. Slumping in his chair, he pulled out his phone and casually tossed it at Larry. With Evan there, he didn’t want to get into an argument, knowing his friend would probably end up panicking or blaming it on himself somehow. An argument could wait. Zoe, however, had not been grounded since middle school. 

 

“Are you kidding?” She asked.

“No, I’m dad.” Larry gunted. “Phone. Now.”

“But I have plans, my friend is coming over to tutor me-”

“Not anymore, time to cancel.” 

 

She typed on her phone quickly, finally huffing and throwing on the table. It slid across to Larry, almost knocking Connor’s off the edge. 

 

Connor got up. “Well, Evan and I are gonna go to my room.” 

Cynthia and Larry exchanged a look. “About that, honey… You can’t. Your father and I are, well, we’re taking measures to… Ensure that you can’t sneak out.”  _ Oh, so they did notice. They just didn’t care until your only friend needed you.  _

 

He looked between his parents, confused. “What do you..” He stopped. “You’re not, like, putting bars on my window or anything,  _ are you _ ?”

His mother gave a sympathetic look. “Not bars honey, no. Just a lock.” 

 

He stared at his parents, blinking whilst he tried to make sense of everything they were saying. He didn’t want to believe it. Was he really that bad?  _ Yes. Yes you are, and you know it.  _  A voice in his head answered instantly.  _ You’ve fucked up too much this time. They hated you before, but now they’re just keeping you around because it would look bad to disown you at this point. You should do them a favor, everyone a favor, and just go find some more pills, or another rope- _

 

Evan placed a hand on his shoulder nervously, and they met eyes. He felt a bit of hope bubble in his chest at the look in Evan’s eyes, before the reality of the situation pushed him back into his thoughts. 

 

He didn’t know if the tears in his eyes were more sad or angry. “You’re locking me in?!” 

Larry cleared his throat. “Well, we’ve noticed that you tend to sneak out when you get in your, um, moods.This is just us trying to ensure that nothing happens-” 

“This is you covering your ass because you can’t take time out of your day to actually give a fuck about your son!” Connor felt his face burning, and felt the walls closing in as if he were a cornered animal. Without giving his family time to say another word, he ran upstairs and locked himself in the only other place he could go- the bathroom. He sat on the cool floor, almost able to feel himself leave his body. He was even too shocked and set off by that  _ one thing _ that he couldn’t give himself the motivation to answer the hesitant knocking on the door. 

Before he passed out -from his shortness of breath or his lack of will to do  _ anything _ , even live anymore, he couldn’t tell- He heard Zoe downstairs. 

 

“Dad? That’s… You’re trapping him.” 

“It’s for his own good. We can’t have him leaving and putting others or himself in danger.” 

“... What if it’s for our sake that he’s leaving?” 

  
  


He moved back into his bedroom early Sunday morning after everyone went to sleep. His room was clean again, and there was a fresh lock on his window. He was pleasantly surprised he still had a door, and locked it before he passed out again. Around noon, Evan knocked on his door. “Connor?” He sighed. “It’s- uh- um- It’s Evan. You probably know th-that. Um,  please… Just t-talk to us?” Connor tried to block out the sound of his only friend -who stayed until well into the evening- by getting high. 

  
  


Monday was similar. Evan came after school, sliding papers under the door. “I, um, I brought some work you missed? I kn-know we don’t really, um, have the same classes but I got your schedule and um, yeah.” Connor made a mental note to stuff a towel under his door as soon as possible. 

  
  


On Tuesday morning when he went to the bathroom, he found a bottle of water and a granola bar by his door. When Evan visited he was quieter, but worried nonetheless.

  
  


With Wednesday came the freedom to explore the house until his mother got home from yoga at 12 PM. He sat on the couch, watching any shitty movie he could find on Netlfix. And then, he made what he considered to be one of the worst mistakes he could ever make. He dozed off. 

 

He was woken up at 3:15 PM to the sound of keys jangling, and a hushed “Evan, holy shit. He’s out of his room.”

“Oh?” Evan said curiously. 

 

 _Shit._ _No._ Connor bolted up so fast that the blanket he had wrapped around himself -one that he would’ve been confused about as he hadn’t gotten it for himself if he wasn’t trying to escape- and began speed walking towards the stairs. 

 

“Evan, stop him!” Zoe called. Evan gave him an apologetic look, and slid to block the way to Connor’s bedroom. 

“ _ Really?”  _ Connor meant to have a harsh tone, but the effects of not talking and only occasionally screaming into a pillow had turned his voice into a croak. What was supposed to scare Evan away - _ more than you already have- _ just made him look sad. Connor crossed his arms and avoided his friend’s eyes.

 

Then, from behind came the unexpected. Zoe hesitantly wrapped her arms around Connor -like she used to when they were kids and arguing over who got to use the TV- and she pulled him slowly to the couch. Avoiding the panicked trapped feeling he got, he tried to keep the facade of anger he had going on. 

 

“No,” Zoe said when she finally sat him down. “I’m  _ not _ letting you avoid the person who had come by to visit every single fucking day, Connor.”

He glared at her, ignoring the slight pang of guilt he had when he looked at Evan from the corner of his eye. “Fuck off.” 

“Nope. This is…. This is an intervention. You can’t just-”

“Because interventions just always work for me, don’t they?” He snapped again. “I don’t need a sister who thinks I’m a fucking  _ monster _ to counsel me on how to treat my friend.” 

There was a tense silence in which Zoe recoiled as if she had been slapped. 

 

She looked over to Evan, who had been silent throughout the whole encounter. “You wanna say anything, Ev?” 

 

_ Ev? Since when the fuck did sisters give their brother’s cr-friends nicknames?  _

 

_ Maybe when the friend realizes that he probably picked the wrong Murphy. You are a fuck up, after all.  _

 

“Yeah,  _ Ev,”  _ Connor’s tone was icy and Evan looked frightened at the glare he was sending his way. “What do  _ you _ want to say?” 

“I- um- uh- I just- uh- um-- um- I should p-probably-” 

“Connor stop being a fucking dick.” Zoe rolled her eyes. “You don’t have to answer, Evan.” 

“I was just repeating the question to your pal-” 

“You were staring him down and interrogating him like he was the suspect in a murder!” 

“And  _ you’re  _ speaking to him like you’re his best friend!” Connor yelled, hating the feelings of hurt and anger and  _ something  _ else in the pit of his stomach. Zoe gave him an angry look that reminded him of Larry, and Evan looked down guiltily. 

 

Evan looked back up. “C-Connor, I’m-”

“I’m going to my room.” Connor interrupted, turning on his heel and leaving before they could say anything. The footsteps he heard behind him as he slammed the door made him glad he still had a lock. 

 

_ Oh look, back to square one. Friendless, alone, hated. Would anyone notice if you just disappeared?  _

  
  


“Connor, open the fucking door!” Zoe yelled, pounding her fist on the wood. 

 

He checked his clock, groaning. Zoe had been at it since Evan had stopped -at around 4:30- and it was 8 PM. He slammed his face back into the pillow.

 

“I will break-” She grunted with each hit.”It-” She kicked. “Down!”

 

_ At least someone in this family sticks to something other than trying to kill themselves or each other. _

 

He opened his door, dodging her fist. “Go the fuck away.” 

“Connor,” She crossed her arms, looking him up and down. “You look like shit. Go take a shower or something. Did you even eat the granola bar I left?” Connor almost wished she seemed more pissed instead of worried. 

 

_ She’s just guilty that she stole the only friend you had. Did you see how cozy they were getting? You’re all alone now. Even Zoe pities you.  _

 

“Connor?” She asked, waving a hand in front of his face. “Are you high again?” 

“I said go away.” He stated. He went to close the door again, but she blocked it with her foot. 

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you? You used to be nicer, and you didn’t smoke or- or threaten to kill me.” She crossed her arms. “And now that you’ve made a friend- now that someone thinks you’re okay- You’re so afraid to lose that or be a decent fucking person-”  
“And you’re any fucking better?” Connor demanded, louder than he had spoken since their fight on Saturday. “You’re so convinced that anything wrong with me is bullshit, and when I ask for help you just talk about how made up it is-” His voice cracked. He felt tears- angry _and_ sad- welling up in his eyes. _Not only are you a monster, but you’re so pathetic too. Jeez, how do you even stand to look in a mirror?_

 

Zoe’s eyes widened. Scanning his face, she looked as if she were expecting it to be some kind of trap. It was quiet. 

 

“Got what you wanted? Now fuck off.” Connor tried to close his door, stopped again by his sister’s foot. 

“Connor-”

“I said fuck off, Zoe!” 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

He stared at her, wiping away his tears angrily and searching her. She was also crying, but fear mingled with the sadness he felt.  _ This is a joke. She thinks you’re crazy. You are crazy. _

 

He stared at her for a beat, finally giving up with a sigh. 

 

“Me… Me too.” He admitted.  _ Nows her chance to take it back, to throw it in your face that you’re weak. _

 

It was quiet, but it was an understanding quiet. The silence was welcome for once, his chaotic thoughts taking a break when his sister nodded. “Do you, um, do you need someone to talk to?” She asked hesitantly. 

“Zoe,” He chuckled sadly.  “I’ve been asking to go to a constant therapist since I found out what therapy was.”

“I know,” She sighed. “I’m just- I’m here for you.”  She looked down. 

 

He was about to reply, but Cynthia’s call of “Dinner!” saved them both. They groaned in unison, sharing a knowing glance. 

  
  


Connor wasn’t very used to a family dinner in which he wasn’t pissed at Zoe. It was odd with no glares, or questions aimed to hurt each other. They -awkwardly- joked with each other about teachers, and Larry seemed to be trying to figure out who replaced them and when. Cynthia was overjoyed. 

 

It wasn’t perfect, no. But for once, Connor went to bed with a little bit of hope. 

  
  


School on Thursday was actually sort of quiet. He had his work done from when he couldn’t sleep and Evan had dropped it off, and he even managed to mostly avoid the asshole that was Jared Kleinman. (Although, he wasn’t quite sure that it wasn’t Jared avoiding him too.). 

 

At lunch, he realised something. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He said, sitting across from Evan, who paused from eating a sandwich. 

“W-What?” 

“I was a dick to you.” Connor muttered. “So I’m apologizing.”

“Nono-”

“Evan. Accept the apology.” 

 

Evan paused -looking slightly strained- but sighed and nodded. “It’s- um- It’s okay. I- You’re o-okay.” 

  
  


When Connor got into the car, Zoe looked over at him. “Where’s Evan?” 

“At his locker, I’d guess? Why?” 

“I invited him over after school.” Zoe explained. “Well…  _ Invited _ is a strong word. More like I told him he’s going to come over and to prepare to be annihilated in Mario Kart. Also, I’m forcing you to play Mario Kart.”

 

Connor blinked a few times, trying to wrap his head around the situation. 

 

“Zoe… The fuck?” 

“You’re welcome. There’s Evan. Evan! Over here!” 

 

Evan slowly and nervously got into the car, looking between the siblings as if expecting a war. When nothing happened, he visibly relaxed, seeming confused about the relaxed mood. 

  
  


Mario Kart was  _ something _ . 

 

Since the family had the newest devices, they had long ago converted the basement into a game room -although it was barely used- and had fixed it up, complete with the softest (and ugliest) couch Connor had ever sat on. 

 

Despite the comfort, all three were on the edges of their seats. 

 

For a while, Evan had been quiet as if he were nervous to disrupt something. But when he passed Zoe on the road and she had labeled him a “Fucking tree hugging piece of shit” he had loosened up just a bit, and he was now yelling at Connor. 

 

“D-Did you just steal my f-fucking balloon?” He yelled, his face turning red. 

“Damn right I did.” Connor called back. “The fuck are you gonna- GODDAMN IT ZOE!”

 

Cynthia came downstairs with a basket of laundry, but stood at the top, an odd look on her face as she watched them play. She barely even flinched when Zoe used the word ‘fuck’ seven times in a sentence aimed at their guest. 

 

After Evan went home -at almost 11, as Cynthia had made him stay for dinner- Connor laid in bed thinking about the fact that although sometimes he had to clench his fists, that was his first genuinely  _ good _ day in a while. 

  
  


When Connor answered the door Saturday, he expected a pizza.

 

What he got was Jared Kleinman. 

 

“Yo,” Jared made his way into the house past a confused Connor, instantly starting to go through his kitchen cabinets. “You got any candy? Oreos? Snack foods?” 

“The fuck are you doing here?” 

Jared continued to look through the fridge, eyes finally settling on Cynthia’s newest thing to do -homemade candy. “Jackpot.” 

“Are you fucking deaf Kleinman?” Connor pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why are you in my fucking house?” 

“No, just partially blind.” Jared tapped his glasses.

“Again, what are you doing in my house?” 

 

Jared sat down, putting his feet up on the coffee table.  _ You’d think he owns the damn place. _ “I’m here to -fuck man this is really good candy I should ask my mom to make this- anyway, I’m here to talk about Evan.” 

“I will blacken your other-” Connor paused, turning red. “What?” 

“Ev-an.” He sounded between bites. “You know, fucks trees, only wears khakis- He told me how close you two are getting and I’m just trying to see if I need a new family friend or whatever.” 

“He’s literally my only friend. I have no idea what you’re asking.” Connor rolled his eyes. 

“But are you replac- Are you  _ his _ best friend?” Jared asked, leaning back. 

 

Connor paused. 

 

“Why do you want to know? I thought you only needed him for car insurance.” Connor sat down across from Jared, leaning forward defensively. 

“What? Are you fu-” Jared groaned, putting his hands in his face. “He should’ve known by now to never take me seriously.” 

“Well, he thinks you’re actually being honest when you say you aren’t friends.” 

“Fuck.”

 

Connor and Jared sat in silence. 

 

“So…” Connor sighed. “Are you going to fucking leave, or…”

“So, you two are just fucking? You’re not replacing me or anything?” 

Connor flushed. “Go home, Kleinman.” 

“I’m genuinely curious here.”

“You’re a fucking idiot.” He sighed. “Listen, I know you care about Evan -more than you’re willing to admit, in whatever way- But you send mixed signals and it confuses the fuck out of him.” 

“Hence why he left me at a party.” Jared summed up, inspecting Connor. “You… Actually like him.” 

“Yeah. He’s cool, when you get past the stuttering-”

“No.” Jared cackled. “You actually  _ like _ him.” 

Connor sighed, ignoring the heat on his face as he followed Jared to the door. “Get out of my house.” 

“Fine, whatever. But you should tell hi-” Jared called, getting louder as the door was slammed in his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm Jared tbh
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! (and putting up with my terrible update schedule)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo this chapter is the end of the prewritten chapters I have BUT chapter 14 is almost done!!! Sorry for the delay my motivational issues are shit

 

Evan was sitting on his bed trying- and failing- to focus on homework when Jared texted him. 

 

Usually, texts from Jared weren’t shocking. But since the party, Jared had been short with him and only spoken to him when it was completely necessary. Sometimes, Evan even missed Jared annoying him for answers. 

 

**Jared:** Prnts r gn. Wnn hng? Iv gt vdk. 

 

Evan sighed as he made sense of the text.  _ Drinking? _ He knew that Jared drank- often- but he only invited Evan when he couldn’t really stand him sober or had been avoiding him and felt guilty.  _ Or, _ Evan realised, when he wanted something. 

 

**Evan:** Okkay, Ill walk over there. 

**Jared:** Pk a bg n slpvr. Il pk u ^. 

 

He considered telling Jared not to drive, as he was almost positive that his friend had already had some of the vodka that he had promised (“Pre-partying”, as Jared had once drunkenly proclaimed before passing out.), but decided against it. He knew that a drunk Jared had the tendency to directly disobey people and would probably drive more recklessly just for spite and end up hurt. He shot a text to his mom -who was at class- telling her where he would be.  _ As if she cares. _

 

He grabbed his old seventh-grade bookbag, shoving in a change of clothes, a bottle of water, his charger, and finally his medicine. The last thing he needed was a panic attack at Jared’s, especially while they were both intoxicated. 

 

His family friend pulled up ten minutes later, and as soon as Evan got in he could smell the alcohol on him. He wasn’t very religious, but the entire time they were riding to Jared’s house he was trying to remember all the prayer he possibly could. 

 

Jared fumbled getting the keys into his door, and after he did he said a loud ‘whoop!’ in celebration. He threw his keys onto the kitchen counter and grabbed a shot glass to shove into Evan’s hand. 

 

“Welcome,” He slurred. “To mi casa.” 

 

Evan glanced at his -now twerking- friend, and wondered how much he had already had to drink, slightly worried about the chance of alcohol poisoning. Regardless, he shakily poured a shot and downed it quickly to Jared’s cheering. 

 

* * *

 

 

Evan didn’t know how many shots he had had. All he knew was that he felt warm. And fuzzy. And hyper. But most of all, he loved  _ everything.  _ Especially talking. 

 

“You- You know, um, redwood trees can grow- grow up to 300 feet  _ or more _ ? They’re so, they’re just,  _ majestic. _ ” He turned to Jared with a smile. 

Jared giggled. “Dude. You know a lot about trees.” 

“I’m… A tree…  _ Expert. _ ” He almost whispered. “Why do people hurt trees?” He frowned. “Like my friend Connor-” He paused, giggling. “I’m  _ friends _ with Connor.” 

“Yeah,” Jared pouted, pausing to down a shot before returning to his morose stare. “You keep leaving me for him. When the-” He burped. “Fuck are you two gonna just, make out or something?” 

 

Evan stared off for a minute, thinking. 

 

Yeah, he thought Connor was great- the way he laughed and how his eyes crinkled when it was real, how rare that laugh was, how he had looked genuinely relaxed for once in the orchard. How when they hung out Evan felt a bubble in his chest. How he was happy when Connor was happy. 

 

Did he have a  _ crush _ on Connor Murphy? No. He couldn’t. Of course, he had figured out that he liked guys and girls and yeah, he didn’t really like anyone else, even Zoe-  _ fuck _ . 

 

“Dude, are you like, disassociating? Do I need to get you a bag or-or a chill pill?” Jared snorted at his own joke. “Geddit? Because you literally take chi-”

“I’m  bi.” Evan interrupted. 

“And I’m gay as fuck.” Jared rolled his eyes. “Did you hear my joke?”

“No… I’m bi, for- for Connor.” 

“Damn.” Jared started laughing. “Called it.” 

“Fuck Jared, Fuck. He’s gonna hate me.”  _ Great.  _ Now he was panicking,  _ while drunk _ . And his only comfort was his family friend,  _ who was also very drunk. _ And now he felt sick,  _ while drunk. _ Which typically led to- 

 

Evan got up, running to the bathroom. He puked into the- very clean- toilet, instantly feeling guilty and resolving to ask Jared’s mom where the cleaning supplies were. 

 

“Jesus, I know he’s like…” Jared trailed off. “I can’t even make a school shooter joke.” He giggled. “Is he really that bad?” 

“Shut. Up.” Evan sighed, getting a washcloth and turning the cold water on. “He’s not- He’s not even that bad. You’re j-just an ass to him.” He felt a bit sobered, and couldn’t tell if it were the three shots currently being flushed, or the realisation that he had feelings for his friend. 

“Jeez. You know you’re… You’re fucked.” 

 

Evan blankly glared at him, breathing heavily. Then, Jared began laughing as if he had heard the funniest joke ever. 

 

“I thought-” He wheezed. “I thought you’d be gay for someone,  _ anyone _ else. B-but  _ Connor _ ? That’s richer than the entire Murphy family could ever dream to be.” He slid down, close enough to Evan to be able to throw up into the toilet but not close enough to make him uncomfortable. “When are you gonna tell him?” He asked, wiping his mouth off and drinking the vodka straight from the bottle. 

Evan’s eyes widened. “I’m not.” 

“Don’t hyperventilate.” 

“I’m n- Nevermind. Just- just forget this happened, okay?”

“You’re telling him tonight.” 

“I- I can’t! He’ll hate me. Besides, after he rejects me he’ll tell everyone and then-then I’ll be the weird stalker gay kid who-who isn’t even gay, but you know people, um, like to assume that stuff instead of-”

“Evan,” Jared sounded slightly annoyed, which didn’t help. “Breathe with me.” Evan was suddenly thankful that Jared had learned how to help him when he panicked. It was better than the huge deal it used to be, where Jared would freak out and call Heidi and by the time she got off work to go get him they were both crying and then no matter how many times he said ‘I’m f-fine, mom.’ She would still act like he was a little kid again and then he felt like  _ such a burden  _ and  _ you’re gonna be just as much of a burden to Connor on the off chance that he doesn’t stop talking to you and then he’ll leave or yell at you and-  _ “This shit doesn’t work unless you try, Evan.”

“S-sorry.” He stuttered out, dizzy from both lack of proper breath and the drinking. 

“Take another shot, we’re going to Connor’s.” Jared had a glint in his eye that made Evan feel like he knew some information that he would consider vital. 

“I- I can’t!”

“Drink it,” Jared whined, shoving it towards Evan. “Don’t throw away your shot!”

“Don’t fucking- Don’t fucking quote broadway at me.” 

“Then drink it!” 

 

Evan groaned, downing the shot in a single gulp. 

 

“Good,” Jared got up, dragging Evan up with him. “Now let's go get your man.” 

 

Despite Evan’s whines, they were out the door in minutes. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Evan,” Jared whined. “I’m tired.”

“You’re the- the one who dragged me out here.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one in  _ love _ .”

Evan groaned, smacking Jared’s arm clumsily. “Sh-Shut up. You didn’t have to come with me.”

“So you’re doing it?” Jared smiled smugly, rubbing his arm. 

Evan shrugged. “I’m not nearly as, um, as drunk as I need to be, but… Yes. Maybe.” He paused. “I don’t- don’t know.”

Jared laughed. “Perfect!” He shoved Evan onto the Murphy’s lawn, laying down at their mailbox. “I’ll be waiting here, but if you’re not back in an hour I’ll assume you guys are fucking and go home.” 

Evan nervously stepped towards the door, trying to get the courage.  _ Should you knock or ring? What if you wake up his parents? What if-  _ He reached out his hand.

_ Connor will hate you. You’ll never have another friend other than Jared, and you’re too broken for even him. You’ll ruin everything because you’re too unstable and broken, and who could love someone like you? You can’t even fall out of a tree right. There’s plenty of trees at the orchard for you to just try again.  _ The words  _ try again _ echoed in his mind over and over again, slowly seeming better and better. 

“...Evan?” Zoe asked, sounding worried. “Why are you crying? Are you okay?” She paused. “Is that- Is that Jared passed out on our lawn?!” He hadn’t realised he was crying until the Murphy’s air conditioning hit his face. 

“Uh-I-I-I-I’m so s-sorry I-I’ll just- I’ll- go-” Evan turned around.  _ This was a mistake. _

Before he could get two steps away, however, Zoe was dragging him in. “I’m getting you some water. Have you even ate? You do know that alcohol is worse on an empty stomach? I mean, I know by experience but Jeez Evan.” 

“H-How did you kn-” 

“You smell like the robbery of a liquor store that went south.” She handed him the water. 

Evan sipped at the water, thinking about how best he could get out of this. ‘I didn’t know this was your house’  _ no. _  As he thought, he heard the sound of light feet stepping downstairs. 

“Zoe?” Connor whispered. “Why the fuck are you down here at 1 AM?” 

Evan jumped, partially spilling water on himself.  _ Not ready for this not ready for this not ready for- _

“Evan? Are you crying? Why are you here?” Connor stepped into the soft glow of the lamp, his eyes shining as he stared confusedly at Evan. His hair was in a bun, and he- surprisingly- was wearing glasses. He waved a hand in Evan’s face. “You with us?” He monotoned. 

Evan composed himself. “Uh...Um- I’m sorry it’s- It’s dumb and I just- I-” He trailed off. “I should go.” 

“Not like this you aren’t.” Connor crossed his arms, nodding to Zoe- who wiggled her eyebrows. “I got him- this- whatever, fuck off.” He said with a slight chuckle. 

Evan allowed Connor to guide him upstairs. They sat on his bed for a couple of minutes in complete silence, and finally, Connor spoke up. 

“Seriously, what the fuck is wrong. Is someone threatening you or some shit? Are you sick? Did Jared do something?” He paused. “Did Jared  _ say _ someth-”

Evan cut him off with a sudden urgency, and did something that he  _ definitely _ wouldn’t have done if he weren’t still mostly buzzed- He kissed Connor. And he was sure that he tasted like vodka, but Connor tasted just like smoke and mint and just a little bit of blood from biting his lip. It was just like last time, drunk and emotional. But Evan didn’t mind, even though his heart felt like it was going to explode, and he didn’t really know how it would be when they stopped so he just kept. Kissing. Connor. 

Connor broke away, staring at him. “Um... “ Evan almost felt  _ weird _ noticing that his lips were red and swollen, and his cheeks were flushed as if he had just run a mile. He was breathing almost as heavily as Evan was. “Is this a weird way of saying you… Um, like me or something?” 

Evan looked at him like a deer in headlights, scooting away from Connor. “I-Um-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that I’ll just- um, I’mgonnagohome-”

“Evan.” 

“No, I- Shit-” Evan got up, rapidly blinking away tears. “I, um, I get it that was so weird I’m so- so sorry,” He pulled at the ends of his shirt. “You don’t, um, have to- have to talk to me again? I get it, um, this-this was a mista-”

“Evan. I have feelings for you too.” Connor blurted out, cheeks reddening. He stepped forward hesitantly. 

Evan’s jaw dropped, and he was sure for a second that he looked like a fish trying to breathe outside of water. He  _ felt _ like a fish trying to breathe outside of water. “Oh.” He sat back down on Connor’s bed, staring at the floor.  _ Why- How- does Connor like someone like you? You’re gross, and you’re weird, and creepy- _ “Oh.” 

“Um. Yeah.” 

“Oh.” Evan looked up and met Connor’s eyes, which were shining in the room with something that Evan thought akin to wonder. “W-What exactly does this, um, mean? For- For us, I mean? Shit, um, that’s weird I- I just-” 

Connor stepped forward, gently cupping Evan’s face in his hands with a light peck. “If it’s okay with you, we could, um, just figure it out as we go.” 

Evan nodded, slightly relieved. “Uh, um...Sure.”

When Evan stayed over, they totally didn’t hold hands under the covers as if it were a secret kept from everyone but them. Not at all. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fear not, the burn will still be slow (although this does jumpstart things a bit)


	14. Let The World Pass By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slight violence warning i guess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than my usual chapters, but I wanted to post because of the people who have been asking where I've been. I am so sorry about this unofficial hiatus, and I'm definitely working on improving my writing when I'm not actually writing so that my absence has not been for nothing! Thanks for reading!

Connor knew as soon as he woke up that it would be a bad day. Rolling over and checking his clock, he let out a groan as he realised that it was only 3 AM and he was wide awake. Had he felt better, he would have done his homework or even showered. But of course, it  _ had to  _ be one of those days where he didn’t even like being alive, where even breathing felt like 30 push-ups.

 

For one moment, he let the crushing guilt hit him. His life was  _ fine _ . He and Zoe were back to being at least somewhat close, he and Evan were something. He should have been fine. Why couldn’t he be fine? 

 

_ Because you’re broken. _ The instant answer came.  _ Broken people aren’t fine, and you’ll eventually drag everyone down to your level. _

 

Needless to say, he was high before he even rolled out of bed, which didn’t happen until around 15 minutes before he had to leave. He didn’t bother to change, simply opting for a lazy messy bun with hairs sticking out from all ends and his favourite hoodie. He walked downstairs to the sounds of his mother yelling. 

 

“Connor! I made breakfa-” Cynthia paused, staring at her son. “Honey… Are you sick?” At her questioning, Larry and Zoe also looked up, the former narrowing his eyes. 

“-Mm fine.” He mumbled, grabbing a cereal bar he doubted he would eat unless munchies hit. 

“Are you… High?” Zoe asked. He tried to ignore the part of his head that said she was judging him. 

 

Connor stared back at her, considering lying and saying no. He tried to think. “I… Can’t just quit cold turkey.”

 

Cynthia’s eyes held something similar to Zoe’s.  _ Pity? No. They’re judging you. They probably even think it’s all in your head as if it isn’t. This is what happens when you raise their expectations, you let them down. Maybe eventually they won't want to keep you alive.  _

 

“Well,” Larry grunted, scrolling on his phone. “It’s not like anything works on you.” 

Connor glared at his father. “Fuck you.” He stormed out, taking satisfaction in the slam of the door. 

 

Zoe took a little longer than usual to get to the car. 

 

“What the  _ fuck _ was that?” She asked, peeling out of their driveway. 

“I-”

“He’s a dick.” She interrupted. “But you… I thought you were doing better, Connor. You’re better than  _ this _ , at least.” She glanced at him before returning her eyes back to the road. 

“I was, I’m just…”  _ Fuck this. _ “I’m allowed to have bad days, okay?!” He snapped. “Shit happens.” 

“Bad days don’t make you go back to exactly the way you used to be.” 

“For me they do.” 

 

There was a silence, the only sound in the background the murmur of talk radio. 

 

“Talk to someone then.” Her voice was faint. “Don’t snap, or do whatever the fuck this is.” 

He snorted. “Talk to who? Mom?  _ Dad? _ Worry Evan even more? Who Zoe, got any bright ideas? Because as far as I see it I’m fucking screwed.” 

Zoe bit her lip, pulling into a parking space. “Me. Talk to me.” 

 

He hesitated, getting out of the car and slinging his bag over his shoulder. “I… I can’t.” He slammed the door, ignoring his sister’s protests. 

 

He sighed as the cold and humid air dusted his cheeks. How was it already mid-October? Somehow he had managed to get by in schoolwork despite barely trying. He hadn’t done anything to try for college, though. He hadn’t expected to still be alive at this point if he were honest.

 

Evan was waiting by his locker when he walked into school, scrolling on his phone and occasionally looking up to look around as if he were waiting for Connor. 

 

Connor felt bad for the bit of dread that hit his stomach as soon as he saw the boy. 

 

“Hey.” He sighed, throwing his bag into his locker with a  _ thud _ . Evan slid his phone into his pocket with his good arm. “What’s up?” 

“Oh, um, I just thought- thought that maybe we could, um, walk to class together? If you don’t, um, want to I- I totally get it. It’s just, I-”

“Sure.” Connor interrupted, ignoring the slight headache he had.  

 

As they walked, it was quiet. Connor didn’t know  _ how  _ to talk to Evan, who smelled like slight cologne today and who was doing that nervous thing he does where he grips the bottom of his polo like a lifeline, and he had a piece of lint in his hair that Connor kind of wanted to reach forward and pick out. He didn’t. 

 

“ _ Evan, _ ” he heard slurred across the hall.  _ Great.  _ He  _ totally _ felt like dealing with Jared Kleinman. “Great to see you!”

Evan squinted at his friend. “J-Jared… You, um, you took me to school this m-morning?”

“Shush.” stage-whispered.  _ Was he drunk? _ “Anyways,” he dragged out the S. “I need to talk to our good buddy Connor.” He tried to pat Connor’s shoulder, missing miserably. 

 

Evan looked at Connor, apologetic. “You re-really,um, don’t have t-to.” 

Connor shrugged. “This might as well happen,” He tried to give what he hoped was a reassuring nod. “I’ll be back soon. Save me a seat in class?” 

Evan’s cheeks tinted a red that Connor found himself blushing at. “S-sure.”

 

Jared lead Connor down the hall, but Connor couldn’t understand why considering this hall had even more people in it. “So,”

Connor looked at him, trying to understand his current thought process. “ _ So? _ ” 

“You and Evan-” he hiccuped. “Huh?” 

He hesitated.  _ Is this a trap? Last time Jared got involved with one of your relationships… It didn’t end well.  _ He looked side to side, realising how loud Jared had said that last part. A couple of people flinched and looked away when his eyes met theirs. “What about me and Evan?” He asked, playing dumb. 

“Pals. Buds. Kissing friends.” Jared laughed. “Yanno, if I had known you were gay, I could’ve set you up with someone. Maybe a half-dead junkie, you two would get along. Oh,  _ wait, _ ” Jared smiled. “I  _ did _ know.” 

Connor looked at him confusedly. “You were perfectly fine with this the other day, what the fuck has gotten into your dumbass?” He had a slight suspicion, but he wasn’t gonna be an asshole.  _ You can’t. You’ve come too far, you’re improving, his eye has finally healed-  _

Jared shrugged, a shit-eating grin across his face. “I changed my mind, wouldn’t want Evan hanging out with someone who has to pay for his friends and then tries to fuck them.”

Connor wasn’t even shocked at the second part, as he had assumed that Jared had edited the rumor before he told people. He  _ was _ shocked, though, at how quickly the rush of blood came to his ears, his thoughts overriding his sense of control. “Well,” Connor tilted his head. “ _ You _ would definitely know all about having unrequited feelings for your best friend, wouldn’t you?” 

 

There was a pause, the silence so loud that a bomb would’ve been able to drop without anyone moving. Jared and Connor glared at each other fiercely.  Finally, Jared lunged forward, his fist connecting with Connor’s nose. He felt it crack, and blood gushed instantly out of it. Without thinking, Connor pushed Jared down, punching anywhere he could again and again. He couldn’t tell whos blood was whos anymore, but it didn’t matter for all the red he was seeing. Finally, he was dragged backwards off of Jared, still flailing. He finally felt the rage leave him, still exhilarated but with a clearer head, and realised what he had done. The security guard that had dragged him back looked ready to put handcuffs on then and there. 

 

The principal glared at him. “My office. Now.” He looked at the nurse attending to Jared. “And him too, after you’re done.” She nodded.

 

* * *

 

“Connor Murphy.” The principal sighed, dropping a thick manilla folder onto the desk between them. “You have  _ quite _ a record, but it’s been almost a month since you’ve been here. What happened?” The way the principal shook his head told Connor that he was hoping for the same thing Connor had been reaching for: Change. 

He was quiet. 

“Son, what do we have to do to get it into your head?” The principal rubbed his head, bringing his palms to his face with a sigh. He looked up at Connor. “You’ve gotta realise that  _ this _ , all of it, is not going to help you with anything.”

Connor clenched his fists.

“If you showed any remorse at all, I might consider the clean month you’ve had. But you won’t even help me out here!” The principal seemed exasperated at the boy across from him. “Do I need to just put you in the in-school suspension room for the rest of the year?” 

“With all due respect, Mr.Mac, fuck you.” Connor knew the principal well enough by now to understand that these were empty threats. Of course, he would get in trouble, but the principal saw something in him.  _ Some fucking how. _

A knock on the door interrupted their trains of thought. “Come in,” Mr.Mac sighed. 

Jared walked in, looking like he had just tried to surf in a hurricane. Blood matted at the top of his hair, and ironically his  _ other _ eye had been blackened along with a busted lip and a nose that Connor was positive had been cleaned up considering how many times he had landed punches there. 

The nurse looked at Connor hesitantly, and then to the principal. “He needs his nose fixed.” 

Rolling his eyes, Mr.Mac nodded. “Fine. Suspended for two weeks,  _ both of you. _ ” 

  
Ignoring Jared’s “Uh… What?” as he walked out the door, Connor Murphy shrugged. Less school, less problems. As the last bit of adrenaline wore down, he realised how much his most likely broken nose actually hurt.  _ Fuck _ . 


End file.
